What a long crazy journey it has been....

"Ah, but you're not nearly as chaotic as you think.Chaos needs order to truly change. if chaos was left alone...it too would find an order no matter how 'chaotic' it thinks it is." ---JTB

I am turning 30 in 34 days and the midlife crisis started seeping into my mind last year at this time. I feel like I have accomplished so much and yet not enough. I can at least say that I know who I am at this point in life and rarely censor myself too much as I have walked the path of compromising myself once or twice this decade. I am at a place in life I never imagined. I am divorced with 2 young sons that live with their father. I recently was relieved of a toxic relationship of lifestyle orientation. I moved to a town where I knew not a soul and met the greatest people of my life. I really couldn't be happier to be alone and with great people to have in my life, I have learned so much from my friend JT that he is a hero in my book of life. He and are are cut from the same cloth, just a diffent pattern, we order very similar meals when we go out, we both love to dance, we just have many quality interests in common, but the best is that we can talk about anything, honestly, openly and say it like it is. Also, thru JT I have met many other wonder people, with personalities that intrigue me. Elysse, Elliot, Kyle and Stephan....all unique and all amazing!

So I spent Halloween with JT and his friends and quite a few days since then as well. Mid week morgans, comic day, Applebees....I love it! He leaves for the Navy in 4 days and I can actually say that I will be devistated, sad and yet I can't wait to start writing him letters. I want to be able to tell him great stories as if I was the star of my own "Secret diaries of a call girl." I will do my best, but I can't wait to see him on leave, to shop together and just be us together.

I am spending the next 4 days in Fargo. I spent yesterday with my youngest son, Rune. He is constantly on the move, doesn't do anything for an amount of great length and whines a lot, but he is so snuggly and tells me how much he loves me. He just melts my heart everytime. My oldest son, Rand, came home from school and then we played some Wii before supper. After supper, we watched the movie GI Joe and I actually kind of liked it:) But then again I have a thing for men in uniform, so it was a movie full of eye candy and action.

I put the boys to bed and actually fell asleep next to them, but woke sometime later after another crazy lesbian encounter dream. I got up to shower and just relax, but within that first hour my ex called to want to reconcile again, as well as my 1st ex came home with 3 buddies to play Rock Band until 4 am.

I really enjoyed talking to my 2nd ex, C. I think maybe we could be on the right track for once, at least to salvage a friendship if nothing more. I do love him, he has always drawn me to him in a way I don't understand, but I did compromise a lot of myself in trying to make him happy in the ways that I thought he wanted and or needed. That caring side of me takes over sometimes and I will do almost anything to keep those I care about happy, but eventually I become bitter and then turn a bit selfish, I see this as a cycle for me, so I just refuse to compromise myself anylonger.

After talking to C. I did play Rock Band and had a great time. My ex, J. and I set breakfast up for the boys and then both went to sleep. My youngest was up very early today, but I did get to sleep a bit. J. went to the store and brought me a Caribou Coffee...he is so considerate after all this time, remembering the little things, I still feel safe in his arms and we communicate better now than we ever did married. Also to mention, he brought me jack coke last night, knowing what I like. He has embraced his Dominant side and I actually like it, he knows when I am getting chaotic and he can usually rein me in....too bad we couldn't have figured all that out prior to divorce and child custody battles. OH well, I respect him, he is a GREAT father to our sons and a best friend.

I am a bit confused about my most recent ex, C. I want to believe this thing that is going on, but our relationship was based on D/s needs, our communications sucks, we have both hurt eachother so the trust is very lacking. We can have great scenes, I feel I give him more of what he needs and that makes me a bit bitter. I don't feel like he knows what I want or need and if he does, it doesn't really coincide with his T-girl ways...at least it hasn't to this point.

Tonight, we are having supper with my old best friend of 9 years. This will be the first time we have seen eachother in 3 years, as after my divorce she took sides and it wasn't mine. Now she is going thru a divorce and I think she is realizing how hard it can really be on someone and she reached out to me. I would not deny a friend even if there was hurt between us. I am nervous as I worry maybe we have both changed so much that our 9 years together really is lost, but part of me hopes that we fall into routine as if we never spent time apart. It would be great to have a best female friend again!

Rune and J. are napping, Rand and I just finished watching Transformers 2. I just love Shia LaBouf....I think that is how it is spelled. He is just so boy next door and still the hero, makes my heart go pitter patter....though typical in the sense that he is with some toothpick of girl....such is life.

Tomorrow J. is playing D&D from 10-5pm. I am actually a little disappointed that I can't go play, I miss being a nerd like that! I can't wait to get back to reading the Sandman series by Neil Gaiman....I love it, And I just read the Lost Girl by Alan Moore and I just couldn't put it down for too long. I bought myself a Star Sapphire Corp t-shirt which I also love, I really am ruled by love crazy how that seems to be.

Oh my mind hurts....I will do this again soon.

CNH