Somewhere between belief and disbelief

I found myself quoting scripture and reading the Bible over the phone with my 2nd ex, C., at 2 this morning. We had a great conversation, we are fighting or bickering at all. We seem to have an unknown calm and understanding, even when I am not pleased I am not fighting but showing my true emotions and for the first time he seems to be receptive and humbled by my intensity. He has been encouraging, helping me to believe and have faith that we can do this and that it will not be like the last times we have tried. I look so forward to our breakfast at the church tomorrow morning, but when I called him today he said that he was not feeling well at all. I am worried that he is going to cancel on me and even though he may be ill, I feel those old feelings of rejection trying to choke me off. I told him that if we were even going to try this again, we were starting with a blessing from my Pastor so if that is not the case, then I don't know if I can go on. I put my ring back on today after a month without it, it felt heavy, it weighted down the freedom I had found, or was it locking my heart reminding me of the warmth and weight of an embrace, like a collar reminds a submissive of their safe and rightful place. I am not sure yet, but only time will tell. I do hope that things go well tomorrow, but I have to believe in myself.

I got a message from someone I have only met once today, saying I was the smartest person she has met...it was posted on facebook for fun, but that little surge of confidence went a long way for me today and I need to make an effort to tell her that if I see her again.

I am so open with my "switchiness" I am hiding nothing of my strengths or weaknesses, Dominant or submissive tendancies from anyone. I am opening myself up to everyone, people who have never seen my cry now have and those who have only seen me in dispair have seen strength. I am going through an evolution like I had never truly imagined.

Also, of course...beings I am meeting with my ex tomorrow and I decided to put on my ring this morning...who would call after a few weeks...A. (my dream) he is ill and just wanted to make sure I was doing okay because he misses me. Does he, or is it an illusion...I talk to him about it and have cried to him, he always encourages me that we have a connection, he likes me and talking to me, he always says that he is mine. But would we ever have a real relationship that isn't just friendly chat, debate and phone sex? I really don't know, but I don't want to lose that affection either....bullocks!!!

I miss JTB, I know he is in boot camp and I will get his address next week, but really this blog is to just blurt out my life the way I could to him over coffee, a comic book, or a rendition of Wicked, Glee or anything else musical. God I miss him like I have never missed a friend, maybe it is because I have always been the one to leave, to adventure and this time I was left waiting for someone. Now I know how it feels and I am so greatful for the experiences and people I have met along this journey of life.

I hope that my evolution brings me to great things!

Blessings!
CNH