So much has happened in the last few weeks, more like a downward spiral of events, but I have learned that " The human condition is a disease that ultimately ends in death"....along these same lines,some people succumb slowly to the inevitability of time, while some suffer great pain over the years. Some of us survive, but then only feel different pain in trying to rid ourselves of this infection called the "past" the shit that haunts us, that leaves us spinning and possibly infecting those we care about in life because of our actions. For a long time, I just reacted, just let all the emotions run rampant, but now I have to see it all and start to heal the infection within rather than slap a Hello Kitty bandaid on it and try to smile through the pain. It hurts, but being healed in the end will make it worth while.
My ex C., well so much for starting over on Thanksgiving. He chose to fight with me about something I supposedly said....he wasn't really listening to me and he ranted about it for 6 hours. I felt awful, but I had to realize at that moment how much I have changed and how much he hasn't and how he truly does live for chaos, he creates the chaos in his life and when someone draws away he uses guilt and manipulation to pull them back in, he needs these people to blame for his problems or else he wouldn't get by. I sucked it up, I cried, I told him how much I loved him and then I gave him every submissive part of me. As he fisted me and I went out of my mind, I gave him the last bits of me he didn't have. It was a powerful experience that I didn't see clearly until the next day. When I awoke, having gone to bed with him upset because he had played with me and felt that I didn't hear his feelings(the previous 6 hours of our time together) I felt rejected for a moment, but I just went to sleep and tried to enjoy floating, but anyway...when I awoke I went to get the mail of mine from the deck and found a love letter from the other woman dated the day he and I had had so much fun in Fargo. I didn't let him I know I had seen it. I kissed him goodbye and left. I thought about it all the way home. He was once again playing with me and my heart and had no remorse what so ever. Then I realized that now that I had put all of myself submissively outside of my mind for once that I wasn't so scared to give it to someone who would appreciate it. I felt free, he doesn't own me or control me because of my fears anymore. When he called me a few days later needing money and help, I told him to ask his girlfriend and that I wanted the divorce finallized as my birthday gift. I love him, but this behavior turns me into a jealous person that I don't like or love and I refuse to be that person ever again and if that means letting him go be happy with her and letting myself go so that maybe I can find happiness then so be it. I still cry a lot when I am alone at night, but it is all part of the healing process.
I am getting along well with my ex, J. and I am excited to have my kids with me this coming weekend. I am so excited, I wish I had more money to spoil them a bit. I hate working hours in which I don't seem to be able to speak to them more than once a week, but I hope that then never forget me and how much I love them. I feel as though I have been a terrible mother, selfish and out of my mind most of their young lives. I am so glad that my ex was able to stand as a rock for all of us even in his darkest days during our divorce. He really is a remarkable man and I hope that his perfect woman comes to love him and our sons, I just want him happy and taken care of, but I don't want a woman who wants to take my place as their mother, I would hope she would be like me with more of his values, but understanding like me.
I have spent time talking with Stephan....4 hours one night. The conversations are good, but I don't get the feeling that he is interested in being more than my friend, so I had to just back off a bit. I really like him and will be happy with his friendship. He bought me a book for my birthday and I am excited to read it. It is called "the name of the wind", not sure the author.
Kyle has kept in touch with me. He has really made an effort to get to know me. He came to my house a week ago and I made him my famous spicey Thai peanut chicken and we watched the movie --The Boondocks Saints---I really enjoyed it. I went to his families house this week and had a traditional Brazilian meal that his father made. I enjoyed it so much and had a great time just talking with him and his dad. I know he wants to have a relationship, but I am still have problems with the age thing, and the fact that I don't want to break his heart or be responsible for his virginity. I just ggggrrrrrr, I mean the concept is nice...he is great and gorgious, but I have enough problems of my own without pulling and innocent down with me. I guess that same thought sort of goes for Stephan as well. Kyle is a great kisser, soft lips and a velvet tongue, he enjoys pulling my erotic buttons....he gets this mischevious grin when I have to pull away, he is just pushing for me to cross my own lines. I know he is interested in my Dominant side, but I am scared that if I take control, I will push past both of our limits and I am just not ready yet. But when I lean on his shoulder he kisses my temple, he runs his fingers over my cheeks, he is a romantic deep inside even if he doesn't show anyone else and I like that about him.
I want to be with someone who understands me and it just doesn't seem like I can find it. I thought I did in my aquaintance, Dale....we had a great night together, talking and laughing and kissing, but he never called me again and so much for that. I don't need a guy like that in my life either.
I got word that my friend JTB is coming home, due to a minor physical injury and a huge emotional/mental injury to his pride. He was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress and Borderline Personality. Now I have worked with people with both...ie: My 2nd ex does have these things and look at what I deal with regarding him, but then again he lacks emotions and could be considered a sociopath in many ways. JTB is not like this, I have never seen him overly emotional, or at least no more than myself. WE are emotional people and we roll with it rather than bottle it. I feel terrible for him, and yet my selfish self is so happy to have him back. I will help him in any way that I can to reach his next goal. I think about us being roommates or something crazy in Minneapolis while he goes to school....like could really make a drastic change in the next year.
Alex continues to call, he tells me he is thinking of me, he pulls every heartstring I have. I told him about Dale and he said that he didn't want me to feel held down because of him, he wants me happy and all. But I talk to Alex about everything, I laugh, I cry, I get pissed and anwry. He just listens and then tells me how beautiful and unforgettable I am. Well he found me again after 6 years so that must mean something, he wouldn't call if he didn't want to. But is he calling for me or for the fact that 9 times out of 10 I end up cumming on the phone and he just knows the odds of his own pleasure if he leisurly listens to me. I want to believer that when he says he enjoys making me happy that it is true. OMG, I just want him for myself. I want him close, I want to feel him, smell him, kiss him. I want to know that he is real and not a figment of my hopeless romantic imagination. I want to believe that he is my dream come true and that fairtytales can happen. It is hard to be me, on one hand I absolutely believe what I just wrote and on the other I think it is sugary babble bullshit. I am the borderline peronality disorder......Domintnant/submissive, creative/analitycal, warm/cold, healer/destroyer, laugher/cryer......oh it goes on and on and I am always both.
Lord help me!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
I know I have changed, what about everything else?
I have found a semblence of peace in my time alone. I feel less lonely now than I did in a house with my ex. I don't get to snuggle or the affection I need now, but I didn't then either and at least now I have friends and can go do things as the finances allow, which is very little, but still enough. I drove to see my ex, C. after work on Thursday. We had talked all week about reconciling and our conversations were wonderful! We quoted scripture, talked about life and how we were going to make it work. I was excited to see him again after so much time. We talked on the phone almost my entire drive. When I arrived he was happy and a bit affectionate. It was nice. I was tired and thought that I would arrive and just snuggle together so that we could get up the next morning for church. He began kissing my neck and telling me how beautiful I am and I started to mentally melt. I put on some lingerie and climbed into bed. Now, we have discussed us both being switches and the fact that he is either masculine and Dom or feminine and sub., I had really wanted to feel the love and affection of a Dom, but I also wanted to feel like I had power as a Dom myself. Kelsey emerged and put on a pink satin nightie that I had bought her. I loved kissing and caressing her, I was slow and meticulous, I enjoyed every moment, every sound she made and it was the most surreal fisting I had ever given, the slow pressure that sent her over the edge over and over, just enough until she exploded, it was a Dominant dream of mine come true. I ran my fingers through her hair as she fell asleep on my chest. I loved snuggling and feeling my Beloved breathing and resting so clost to me once again.
I awoke 2 hours later to the alarm I had set. It took a lot to get my Beloved up and moving, I had to help him get dressed. I knew he was ill, but our plan was to attend church breakfast and I wasn't about to miss it, with or without him. We did get to breakfast and I had a great time having coffee with Pastor and praying together, I really felt good about us for that moment. The original plan was that on Friday he was going to take care of me and show me what a good Daddy he could be to my sub little girl. I was really excited to be taken care of! He also said that he would fix the u-joints in my truck before I left the next day. After church, he decided that it would be a good idea to run to Fargo with his friend, as he needed to pick up a few things, groceries, etc. I just agreed, not trying to show any disappointment. I sat in the back of the truck and read the entire ride to Fargo.
While in Fargo, I just enjoyed my time with him. I laughed and joked. He was more affectionate in public and that was nice. I think we had one of best days together ever. I was tired and I refrained from being bitchy or sad by not playing. It was really good. When we got back it was late and he stayed out in the cold to fix my u-joints so they would be done by morning. I am so appreciative, and I have to realize that he took care of my needs and my safety before my sexual desires and I have to be greatful. I really wish he would have played with me, I even bought some Nuks at Walmart because I was excited to be his baby for once without fighting it. I wanted to feel loved and adored and cherished, physically, sexually....but instead he showed me in the way he does best, by making sure I am taken care of in my everyday needs. I do love him, so much! Though I still really want to be played with and to experience this with him.
We plan to spend Thanksgiving together. I hope that all goes well. I will probably have my period then, so once again it will be no play for me, which sucks because really I feel like I never get played with. I hope that aspect of our life changes for the better. Also, I know that I will not move back to that town or that house with him, so I am not sure how we plan to have any real type of relationship beyond play, and beings I am not there, I don't know if I can trust the other women he allows in his life, as I know he hasn't told me everything about our time apart and I am sure he was with K. again. I don't really care, but I don't want it to continue. I won't be in that position again, not ever!
I haven't really heard from him now in a few days, he is sick and says he is sleeping alot, which I understand, but I just want to know that we are either moving forward or we are not.
A. called me the other night, an international bootie call, as he had been at a wine festival and was a bit drunk and wanted to call and tell me all the wild things he would love to do with me. It was so flattering! He called me again this morning to check on me, and tell me that our lives would be crazy if we lived closer together. I know it would, our sexual energy surges just in phone conversation so I am sure there would be blue lightning and such if we ever touched....ha ha. I think I have been reading too many steamy Christine Feehan novels...I am half way through the Dark series and I just can't stop. It makes me dream of the ideal romance! Oh A., he just makes me smile from ear to ear.
I called Stephan the other day and we talked for almost an hour. He intrigues me because he is such a great guy and yet he is alone, and sad that he is lonely. I am not sure why he doesn't break out and find someone, but all in due time. I love talking to him, he makes me laugh.
I need to keep writing to JTB, I should be getting his address this week and I need to start sending him letters on a very regular basis. I miss him!
I am getting over a sinus infection which sucks, but I am kind of glad I got it because it has made me slow down a bit and I need that sometimes.
WEll I know I have changed, so much about me has, I hope this road less traveled by me leads me to the great gifts that God has for me in life!
I awoke 2 hours later to the alarm I had set. It took a lot to get my Beloved up and moving, I had to help him get dressed. I knew he was ill, but our plan was to attend church breakfast and I wasn't about to miss it, with or without him. We did get to breakfast and I had a great time having coffee with Pastor and praying together, I really felt good about us for that moment. The original plan was that on Friday he was going to take care of me and show me what a good Daddy he could be to my sub little girl. I was really excited to be taken care of! He also said that he would fix the u-joints in my truck before I left the next day. After church, he decided that it would be a good idea to run to Fargo with his friend, as he needed to pick up a few things, groceries, etc. I just agreed, not trying to show any disappointment. I sat in the back of the truck and read the entire ride to Fargo.
While in Fargo, I just enjoyed my time with him. I laughed and joked. He was more affectionate in public and that was nice. I think we had one of best days together ever. I was tired and I refrained from being bitchy or sad by not playing. It was really good. When we got back it was late and he stayed out in the cold to fix my u-joints so they would be done by morning. I am so appreciative, and I have to realize that he took care of my needs and my safety before my sexual desires and I have to be greatful. I really wish he would have played with me, I even bought some Nuks at Walmart because I was excited to be his baby for once without fighting it. I wanted to feel loved and adored and cherished, physically, sexually....but instead he showed me in the way he does best, by making sure I am taken care of in my everyday needs. I do love him, so much! Though I still really want to be played with and to experience this with him.
We plan to spend Thanksgiving together. I hope that all goes well. I will probably have my period then, so once again it will be no play for me, which sucks because really I feel like I never get played with. I hope that aspect of our life changes for the better. Also, I know that I will not move back to that town or that house with him, so I am not sure how we plan to have any real type of relationship beyond play, and beings I am not there, I don't know if I can trust the other women he allows in his life, as I know he hasn't told me everything about our time apart and I am sure he was with K. again. I don't really care, but I don't want it to continue. I won't be in that position again, not ever!
I haven't really heard from him now in a few days, he is sick and says he is sleeping alot, which I understand, but I just want to know that we are either moving forward or we are not.
A. called me the other night, an international bootie call, as he had been at a wine festival and was a bit drunk and wanted to call and tell me all the wild things he would love to do with me. It was so flattering! He called me again this morning to check on me, and tell me that our lives would be crazy if we lived closer together. I know it would, our sexual energy surges just in phone conversation so I am sure there would be blue lightning and such if we ever touched....ha ha. I think I have been reading too many steamy Christine Feehan novels...I am half way through the Dark series and I just can't stop. It makes me dream of the ideal romance! Oh A., he just makes me smile from ear to ear.
I called Stephan the other day and we talked for almost an hour. He intrigues me because he is such a great guy and yet he is alone, and sad that he is lonely. I am not sure why he doesn't break out and find someone, but all in due time. I love talking to him, he makes me laugh.
I need to keep writing to JTB, I should be getting his address this week and I need to start sending him letters on a very regular basis. I miss him!
I am getting over a sinus infection which sucks, but I am kind of glad I got it because it has made me slow down a bit and I need that sometimes.
WEll I know I have changed, so much about me has, I hope this road less traveled by me leads me to the great gifts that God has for me in life!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Somewhere between belief and disbelief
I found myself quoting scripture and reading the Bible over the phone with my 2nd ex, C., at 2 this morning. We had a great conversation, we are fighting or bickering at all. We seem to have an unknown calm and understanding, even when I am not pleased I am not fighting but showing my true emotions and for the first time he seems to be receptive and humbled by my intensity. He has been encouraging, helping me to believe and have faith that we can do this and that it will not be like the last times we have tried. I look so forward to our breakfast at the church tomorrow morning, but when I called him today he said that he was not feeling well at all. I am worried that he is going to cancel on me and even though he may be ill, I feel those old feelings of rejection trying to choke me off. I told him that if we were even going to try this again, we were starting with a blessing from my Pastor so if that is not the case, then I don't know if I can go on. I put my ring back on today after a month without it, it felt heavy, it weighted down the freedom I had found, or was it locking my heart reminding me of the warmth and weight of an embrace, like a collar reminds a submissive of their safe and rightful place. I am not sure yet, but only time will tell. I do hope that things go well tomorrow, but I have to believe in myself.
I got a message from someone I have only met once today, saying I was the smartest person she has met...it was posted on facebook for fun, but that little surge of confidence went a long way for me today and I need to make an effort to tell her that if I see her again.
I am so open with my "switchiness" I am hiding nothing of my strengths or weaknesses, Dominant or submissive tendancies from anyone. I am opening myself up to everyone, people who have never seen my cry now have and those who have only seen me in dispair have seen strength. I am going through an evolution like I had never truly imagined.
Also, of course...beings I am meeting with my ex tomorrow and I decided to put on my ring this morning...who would call after a few weeks...A. (my dream) he is ill and just wanted to make sure I was doing okay because he misses me. Does he, or is it an illusion...I talk to him about it and have cried to him, he always encourages me that we have a connection, he likes me and talking to me, he always says that he is mine. But would we ever have a real relationship that isn't just friendly chat, debate and phone sex? I really don't know, but I don't want to lose that affection either....bullocks!!!
I miss JTB, I know he is in boot camp and I will get his address next week, but really this blog is to just blurt out my life the way I could to him over coffee, a comic book, or a rendition of Wicked, Glee or anything else musical. God I miss him like I have never missed a friend, maybe it is because I have always been the one to leave, to adventure and this time I was left waiting for someone. Now I know how it feels and I am so greatful for the experiences and people I have met along this journey of life.
I hope that my evolution brings me to great things!
Blessings!
CNH
I got a message from someone I have only met once today, saying I was the smartest person she has met...it was posted on facebook for fun, but that little surge of confidence went a long way for me today and I need to make an effort to tell her that if I see her again.
I am so open with my "switchiness" I am hiding nothing of my strengths or weaknesses, Dominant or submissive tendancies from anyone. I am opening myself up to everyone, people who have never seen my cry now have and those who have only seen me in dispair have seen strength. I am going through an evolution like I had never truly imagined.
Also, of course...beings I am meeting with my ex tomorrow and I decided to put on my ring this morning...who would call after a few weeks...A. (my dream) he is ill and just wanted to make sure I was doing okay because he misses me. Does he, or is it an illusion...I talk to him about it and have cried to him, he always encourages me that we have a connection, he likes me and talking to me, he always says that he is mine. But would we ever have a real relationship that isn't just friendly chat, debate and phone sex? I really don't know, but I don't want to lose that affection either....bullocks!!!
I miss JTB, I know he is in boot camp and I will get his address next week, but really this blog is to just blurt out my life the way I could to him over coffee, a comic book, or a rendition of Wicked, Glee or anything else musical. God I miss him like I have never missed a friend, maybe it is because I have always been the one to leave, to adventure and this time I was left waiting for someone. Now I know how it feels and I am so greatful for the experiences and people I have met along this journey of life.
I hope that my evolution brings me to great things!
Blessings!
CNH
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
My Knight, my muse
A. is the fantasy beyond the phone. His words, thoughts, mind, his voice---they tell my sould that my other half is out there. ( I wrote so many of my early blogs...erotic poetry based on the feelings I had after speaking with him.) I could be loved, cherished and independant all at once. My passion could be reciprocated fully. But it is all fantasy as the 2000 miles and border of countries and so much like our touch and smell elude us. But when he speaks french, I melt into liquid heat. His voice alone make me burn. When he says he needs me, wants me happy, wants all of me to be his ALWAYS....my mind, heart, body and sould cry out with dreams that it was true. He tells me that we have a connection that is insermoutable, that reality and fantasy cross over in our case....even if it doesn't the fantasy is amazing. A. is my personal romance novel hunk/hero. I feel out of his league and vulnerable and yet more myself and alive with passion when I speak with him. I beg for him openly and hide little of myself from him. He makes my emotions surge.
I read the "Lost Girls" by Alan Moore on his advisement and actually bought myself a hard bound edition as I enjoyed the erotics tales so much. I am happy I have found him and others to help me in my journey. Expressing myself without hinderence could enhance my marriage or at least future relationships.
S. is my good Christian friend, 29 yr. old virgin, snowflake white to the point that I feel talking with him probably stains his soul. He is old world charm and chivalry, intelligent and most of all strictly moral. I love that he doesn't waver, he is a rock when I am a raging storm. I have found true people that open up my life and make me look at what I truly value in myself, others and life as a whole.
Though times are hard at times, I am luck to breath each day!
CNH
I read the "Lost Girls" by Alan Moore on his advisement and actually bought myself a hard bound edition as I enjoyed the erotics tales so much. I am happy I have found him and others to help me in my journey. Expressing myself without hinderence could enhance my marriage or at least future relationships.
S. is my good Christian friend, 29 yr. old virgin, snowflake white to the point that I feel talking with him probably stains his soul. He is old world charm and chivalry, intelligent and most of all strictly moral. I love that he doesn't waver, he is a rock when I am a raging storm. I have found true people that open up my life and make me look at what I truly value in myself, others and life as a whole.
Though times are hard at times, I am luck to breath each day!
CNH
The Ring
Your mark on me is etched around my finger, wher I used to wear your ring
Reminding me of better times and all my shattered dreams
That empty depression resembles my heart, my soul, my hope
I don't know if you will ever know how hard it is to let you go
I love you so and hate to see your pain
I will always be here, but the distance must remain
For my internal possession of you will never truly be disengaged
I hope you find the happiness you seek without me.
**I wrote this the day I took my ring off and put it in a box on my dresser, the day I told him I wouldn't hurt him again, as saying goodbye would be the last heartache for us both. I tried to move on and let him go. Now he is back, a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, I am not sure. I prayer answered or a sick joke, I guess I will step lightly into the pool again and see if I sing or swim.
Reminding me of better times and all my shattered dreams
That empty depression resembles my heart, my soul, my hope
I don't know if you will ever know how hard it is to let you go
I love you so and hate to see your pain
I will always be here, but the distance must remain
For my internal possession of you will never truly be disengaged
I hope you find the happiness you seek without me.
**I wrote this the day I took my ring off and put it in a box on my dresser, the day I told him I wouldn't hurt him again, as saying goodbye would be the last heartache for us both. I tried to move on and let him go. Now he is back, a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, I am not sure. I prayer answered or a sick joke, I guess I will step lightly into the pool again and see if I sing or swim.
Reasons, Seasons and Lifetimes...
J.T.B., my new best friend. Gay, excentric, intelligent, loves to dance and an author. He helped me realize that the decade of my 20's was me finding and developing myself, my "brand". Regardless of relationships, I am not going to change too drastically at this point unless I really want to and make a conscious effort. I am me and I am pretty perfect at being me; intelligent, funny, sarcastic, warm, compassionate, passionate, sensual, magnetic, charming.....the list goes on. I also realize that I have compromised myself and my happiness repeatedly for the affection and happiness of others and I need to stand firm in who I am whether I am liked or not. I am really happy on my own, meeting people and doing my own thing. I miss companionship and close intimacy, but I have new friends, new ideas, new conversations. I love life. I want to be closer to my kids, I want a committed relationship, I want to have a more pleasing career and more money...financial times are tough, but I will get by and don't need a relationship to do it.
J.T.B. left for Navy Boot Camp yesterday. After what I realized about my ex-best friend--in 3 years we are still similar, but it isn't the same. I worry that will happen with JT and I. I want our relationship to be a lifetime of friendship, not just a season, but only time will tell. I will write to him and wish for the best. I also wonder if all the wonderful people I met because of him will fade from my life again because he is the glue that held us all together. I hope that isn't the case and I must make a conscious effort to not let it be so.
My 2nd husband, C. wants to reconcile (again), he has a plan that could be workable. He has been so wonderful lately, I worry about the it is too good to be true thing, but after all I have learned in our 7 month separation, I can do it without him and I don't have to compromise myself. I will hear him out and see what happens and be happy in whatever road I go down. We have to love eachother enough to forgive and forget the past. No more bringing it into conversation for either of us. We don't ask about our 7 months apart unless we can get over it and never use it against the other. He said he doesn't want to know because if it wasn't what he wanted to hear he knows he would hold onto it even if only subconsciously, but either way it wouldn't be good for our new start. That is a smart decision on his part and a show that he is changing. I agree with him, my mind can be worse than anything that happened, even if he was with her or someone else he wants me forever so what does it matter. He couldn't have done anything worse than me, especially when I just said I would let him go and move on. I mean I quit wearing my ring, I went on dates, but if I hadn't I wouldn't be strong and me, independent, loving my freedom and alone time. I love my spontaneous, adventurous, social butterfly nature.
Now I think I can forgive him, I am sure I can forget the past as long as it doesn't keep slapping me in the face. I can do as the Bible says and forgive others involved and let the Lord take care of my justice, but it doesn't say that I any longer have to associate with those people. I can't handle K. or T.J. in our life anymore if we are going forward. I know he says not to worry, to figure out the rest of our relationship and everything else will fall into place or fall away. I am glad that we have both found God, I know he is stronger than me it seems in his resolve right now. I want to believe him and believe in God, so blind faith here we go! I just know that I am done trying with certain people and being stabbed in the back. No matter how much we work on us, I can't handle the constant outside negativity from them...they do the devil's work in trying to tear us apart. I am going to seek his advice on this.
We have made a date at C.O.C. on Friday morning for breakfast, to get God's blessing in reconciling. Our conversations have been wonderful and we aren't fighting or getting heated, we seem to understand eachother more now. I am so excited to start again, I hope that we can find a way to make it.
CNH
J.T.B. left for Navy Boot Camp yesterday. After what I realized about my ex-best friend--in 3 years we are still similar, but it isn't the same. I worry that will happen with JT and I. I want our relationship to be a lifetime of friendship, not just a season, but only time will tell. I will write to him and wish for the best. I also wonder if all the wonderful people I met because of him will fade from my life again because he is the glue that held us all together. I hope that isn't the case and I must make a conscious effort to not let it be so.
My 2nd husband, C. wants to reconcile (again), he has a plan that could be workable. He has been so wonderful lately, I worry about the it is too good to be true thing, but after all I have learned in our 7 month separation, I can do it without him and I don't have to compromise myself. I will hear him out and see what happens and be happy in whatever road I go down. We have to love eachother enough to forgive and forget the past. No more bringing it into conversation for either of us. We don't ask about our 7 months apart unless we can get over it and never use it against the other. He said he doesn't want to know because if it wasn't what he wanted to hear he knows he would hold onto it even if only subconsciously, but either way it wouldn't be good for our new start. That is a smart decision on his part and a show that he is changing. I agree with him, my mind can be worse than anything that happened, even if he was with her or someone else he wants me forever so what does it matter. He couldn't have done anything worse than me, especially when I just said I would let him go and move on. I mean I quit wearing my ring, I went on dates, but if I hadn't I wouldn't be strong and me, independent, loving my freedom and alone time. I love my spontaneous, adventurous, social butterfly nature.
Now I think I can forgive him, I am sure I can forget the past as long as it doesn't keep slapping me in the face. I can do as the Bible says and forgive others involved and let the Lord take care of my justice, but it doesn't say that I any longer have to associate with those people. I can't handle K. or T.J. in our life anymore if we are going forward. I know he says not to worry, to figure out the rest of our relationship and everything else will fall into place or fall away. I am glad that we have both found God, I know he is stronger than me it seems in his resolve right now. I want to believe him and believe in God, so blind faith here we go! I just know that I am done trying with certain people and being stabbed in the back. No matter how much we work on us, I can't handle the constant outside negativity from them...they do the devil's work in trying to tear us apart. I am going to seek his advice on this.
We have made a date at C.O.C. on Friday morning for breakfast, to get God's blessing in reconciling. Our conversations have been wonderful and we aren't fighting or getting heated, we seem to understand eachother more now. I am so excited to start again, I hope that we can find a way to make it.
CNH
Statement of admission
Like a blindman I can not see myself, but am subject to what I hear, feel and smell. I hear my insecurities in my head, I feel the pain of my heart and I smell my own fear. I am responsible for changing those if I don't like them, but first I must truly open my eyes and discover me. This journey will hurt, but it will heal me deep within and change my life's destination for the good, for me and others. I dedicate myself to living with a purpose and to seeking knowledge and understanding in myself and others. I will accept myself and others for love is a universal language!
Drama**
Some people thrive on it, live for it and believe it or not, I DO NOT! Seems to me that drama finds me. I am a compassionate, empathetic person and I care about other's well being whether I know them or not. I have a listening ear, a tender touch, I have opinions and am willing to give advice when asked, but just because I listen doesn't mean that I want to be part of it or stuck in the middle after I have given and opinion. It is my nice nature that overtakes my honesty sometimes. The truth can hurt and I hold it back a bit to save others feelings. I do it to be nice, but it seems to bite me in the ass eventually and then I just have to say how it really is.
To each their own***To thine own self be true
I don't judge others, we all have a different past that brought us to the present. We all make what we believe is the best choice at each fork in the road to life. I have felt judged for my choices, for the way I present myself, for my opinions...that is fine, a lack of understanding, caring and knowledge can do that to people. I don't always understand, care or know what someone has been through or is going through, but if they are willing to talk, I am willing to listen because I want to try to understand most people-most situations.
Love me or hate me, but never underestimate me! I may know/understand more than I lead on, but not give an opinion in order to learn more or to save another from my honest thoughts. If you had to choose between knowing my thoughts or my feelings, my feelings will almost always be more pleasant because my thoughts get mean and sadistic at times in order to make myself feel a little better about a situation.
Life is like a rollercoaster? Ride it like you own it!
I read once that the way you discribe "life" says a lot about you. I always find myself saying that life is like a rollercoaster. Does this mean that I believe I have no control over the ride or because I am a thrill seeker, I chose the ride and took all the ups and downs knowing they would eventually come.
Maybe I should say life is like a river, sometimes is flows smoothly and sometimes there are rapids, but in the end I have no more control over the river of life either. I know I am not in total control of my life, by my free will gives me some control, especially if I wait on the Lord for His will.
So what is life? More like a gas station--you can fill your life will good grade fuel or lower grade fuel. It is your choice. You may have to pay more for the better fuel, life is full of consequences. You ultimately choose what to put into your vessel the Lord gave you. You life is the greatest choose your own adventure story, you can always change the story and you never really know the ending. To God you are like a favorite book, he knows the beginning the middle and end, yet he watches on in enthusiasm and empathy at all the right times. He knows you well and enjoys your story, for He is the ominous author. Choose the rode to drive, if you aren't getting good mileage, change fuel and turn on a new path. The Lord is with you everystep of the way!
CNH
Drama**
Some people thrive on it, live for it and believe it or not, I DO NOT! Seems to me that drama finds me. I am a compassionate, empathetic person and I care about other's well being whether I know them or not. I have a listening ear, a tender touch, I have opinions and am willing to give advice when asked, but just because I listen doesn't mean that I want to be part of it or stuck in the middle after I have given and opinion. It is my nice nature that overtakes my honesty sometimes. The truth can hurt and I hold it back a bit to save others feelings. I do it to be nice, but it seems to bite me in the ass eventually and then I just have to say how it really is.
To each their own***To thine own self be true
I don't judge others, we all have a different past that brought us to the present. We all make what we believe is the best choice at each fork in the road to life. I have felt judged for my choices, for the way I present myself, for my opinions...that is fine, a lack of understanding, caring and knowledge can do that to people. I don't always understand, care or know what someone has been through or is going through, but if they are willing to talk, I am willing to listen because I want to try to understand most people-most situations.
Love me or hate me, but never underestimate me! I may know/understand more than I lead on, but not give an opinion in order to learn more or to save another from my honest thoughts. If you had to choose between knowing my thoughts or my feelings, my feelings will almost always be more pleasant because my thoughts get mean and sadistic at times in order to make myself feel a little better about a situation.
Life is like a rollercoaster? Ride it like you own it!
I read once that the way you discribe "life" says a lot about you. I always find myself saying that life is like a rollercoaster. Does this mean that I believe I have no control over the ride or because I am a thrill seeker, I chose the ride and took all the ups and downs knowing they would eventually come.
Maybe I should say life is like a river, sometimes is flows smoothly and sometimes there are rapids, but in the end I have no more control over the river of life either. I know I am not in total control of my life, by my free will gives me some control, especially if I wait on the Lord for His will.
So what is life? More like a gas station--you can fill your life will good grade fuel or lower grade fuel. It is your choice. You may have to pay more for the better fuel, life is full of consequences. You ultimately choose what to put into your vessel the Lord gave you. You life is the greatest choose your own adventure story, you can always change the story and you never really know the ending. To God you are like a favorite book, he knows the beginning the middle and end, yet he watches on in enthusiasm and empathy at all the right times. He knows you well and enjoys your story, for He is the ominous author. Choose the rode to drive, if you aren't getting good mileage, change fuel and turn on a new path. The Lord is with you everystep of the way!
CNH
Monday, November 16, 2009
Ex best friends....reconciliation???
Well I had dinner with my ex-best friend who is now very close to my 1st ex husband. I have always been aware of the sexual tension there, since college. She always liked him to an extent and he always thought she looked good, but was just too selfish and crazy...only child syndrome. We talked over dinner and a few bottles of wine. She and eye have been thru many of the same experiences in the 3 years we haven't talked. We actually are in situations which we don't agree with, she doesn't think I should put up with emotional abuse, I don't think she sould put up with physical abuse. We have to laugh when trying to give eachother advice and my ex J. said it was the most frustrating conversation to listen to, as he didn't agree with either of us. Anyway, as the night progressed I found out that she is addicted to pain killers, and I always thought she was better than that. She was concerned I would be upset with the friendship she has with my ex and my kids. I don't mind as long as she isn't strung out when she is with my kids. As she got super drunk, she was all over my ex and I just let them be. I mean, I love and care about my ex as a friend and parent to my sons. I was actually happy for him, especially when she said she was going to spend the night....but then as time passed some of her boy toys called and she had one of them drive 100 miles to come and get her. I realize now that a lot of my actions in the past were learned from her, I took on that role of manipulating men who desired me, but then stopped. I don't want to be like that. I want the true one for me, I don't need a stable of men...though the fantasy is delightful, I just need one good one.
CNH
CNH
Friday, November 13, 2009
What a long crazy journey it has been....
"Ah, but you're not nearly as chaotic as you think.Chaos needs order to truly change. if chaos was left alone...it too would find an order no matter how 'chaotic' it thinks it is." ---JTB
I am turning 30 in 34 days and the midlife crisis started seeping into my mind last year at this time. I feel like I have accomplished so much and yet not enough. I can at least say that I know who I am at this point in life and rarely censor myself too much as I have walked the path of compromising myself once or twice this decade. I am at a place in life I never imagined. I am divorced with 2 young sons that live with their father. I recently was relieved of a toxic relationship of lifestyle orientation. I moved to a town where I knew not a soul and met the greatest people of my life. I really couldn't be happier to be alone and with great people to have in my life, I have learned so much from my friend JT that he is a hero in my book of life. He and are are cut from the same cloth, just a diffent pattern, we order very similar meals when we go out, we both love to dance, we just have many quality interests in common, but the best is that we can talk about anything, honestly, openly and say it like it is. Also, thru JT I have met many other wonder people, with personalities that intrigue me. Elysse, Elliot, Kyle and Stephan....all unique and all amazing!
So I spent Halloween with JT and his friends and quite a few days since then as well. Mid week morgans, comic day, Applebees....I love it! He leaves for the Navy in 4 days and I can actually say that I will be devistated, sad and yet I can't wait to start writing him letters. I want to be able to tell him great stories as if I was the star of my own "Secret diaries of a call girl." I will do my best, but I can't wait to see him on leave, to shop together and just be us together.
I am spending the next 4 days in Fargo. I spent yesterday with my youngest son, Rune. He is constantly on the move, doesn't do anything for an amount of great length and whines a lot, but he is so snuggly and tells me how much he loves me. He just melts my heart everytime. My oldest son, Rand, came home from school and then we played some Wii before supper. After supper, we watched the movie GI Joe and I actually kind of liked it:) But then again I have a thing for men in uniform, so it was a movie full of eye candy and action.
I put the boys to bed and actually fell asleep next to them, but woke sometime later after another crazy lesbian encounter dream. I got up to shower and just relax, but within that first hour my ex called to want to reconcile again, as well as my 1st ex came home with 3 buddies to play Rock Band until 4 am.
I really enjoyed talking to my 2nd ex, C. I think maybe we could be on the right track for once, at least to salvage a friendship if nothing more. I do love him, he has always drawn me to him in a way I don't understand, but I did compromise a lot of myself in trying to make him happy in the ways that I thought he wanted and or needed. That caring side of me takes over sometimes and I will do almost anything to keep those I care about happy, but eventually I become bitter and then turn a bit selfish, I see this as a cycle for me, so I just refuse to compromise myself anylonger.
After talking to C. I did play Rock Band and had a great time. My ex, J. and I set breakfast up for the boys and then both went to sleep. My youngest was up very early today, but I did get to sleep a bit. J. went to the store and brought me a Caribou Coffee...he is so considerate after all this time, remembering the little things, I still feel safe in his arms and we communicate better now than we ever did married. Also to mention, he brought me jack coke last night, knowing what I like. He has embraced his Dominant side and I actually like it, he knows when I am getting chaotic and he can usually rein me in....too bad we couldn't have figured all that out prior to divorce and child custody battles. OH well, I respect him, he is a GREAT father to our sons and a best friend.
I am a bit confused about my most recent ex, C. I want to believe this thing that is going on, but our relationship was based on D/s needs, our communications sucks, we have both hurt eachother so the trust is very lacking. We can have great scenes, I feel I give him more of what he needs and that makes me a bit bitter. I don't feel like he knows what I want or need and if he does, it doesn't really coincide with his T-girl ways...at least it hasn't to this point.
Tonight, we are having supper with my old best friend of 9 years. This will be the first time we have seen eachother in 3 years, as after my divorce she took sides and it wasn't mine. Now she is going thru a divorce and I think she is realizing how hard it can really be on someone and she reached out to me. I would not deny a friend even if there was hurt between us. I am nervous as I worry maybe we have both changed so much that our 9 years together really is lost, but part of me hopes that we fall into routine as if we never spent time apart. It would be great to have a best female friend again!
Rune and J. are napping, Rand and I just finished watching Transformers 2. I just love Shia LaBouf....I think that is how it is spelled. He is just so boy next door and still the hero, makes my heart go pitter patter....though typical in the sense that he is with some toothpick of girl....such is life.
Tomorrow J. is playing D&D from 10-5pm. I am actually a little disappointed that I can't go play, I miss being a nerd like that! I can't wait to get back to reading the Sandman series by Neil Gaiman....I love it, And I just read the Lost Girl by Alan Moore and I just couldn't put it down for too long. I bought myself a Star Sapphire Corp t-shirt which I also love, I really am ruled by love crazy how that seems to be.
Oh my mind hurts....I will do this again soon.
CNH
I am turning 30 in 34 days and the midlife crisis started seeping into my mind last year at this time. I feel like I have accomplished so much and yet not enough. I can at least say that I know who I am at this point in life and rarely censor myself too much as I have walked the path of compromising myself once or twice this decade. I am at a place in life I never imagined. I am divorced with 2 young sons that live with their father. I recently was relieved of a toxic relationship of lifestyle orientation. I moved to a town where I knew not a soul and met the greatest people of my life. I really couldn't be happier to be alone and with great people to have in my life, I have learned so much from my friend JT that he is a hero in my book of life. He and are are cut from the same cloth, just a diffent pattern, we order very similar meals when we go out, we both love to dance, we just have many quality interests in common, but the best is that we can talk about anything, honestly, openly and say it like it is. Also, thru JT I have met many other wonder people, with personalities that intrigue me. Elysse, Elliot, Kyle and Stephan....all unique and all amazing!
So I spent Halloween with JT and his friends and quite a few days since then as well. Mid week morgans, comic day, Applebees....I love it! He leaves for the Navy in 4 days and I can actually say that I will be devistated, sad and yet I can't wait to start writing him letters. I want to be able to tell him great stories as if I was the star of my own "Secret diaries of a call girl." I will do my best, but I can't wait to see him on leave, to shop together and just be us together.
I am spending the next 4 days in Fargo. I spent yesterday with my youngest son, Rune. He is constantly on the move, doesn't do anything for an amount of great length and whines a lot, but he is so snuggly and tells me how much he loves me. He just melts my heart everytime. My oldest son, Rand, came home from school and then we played some Wii before supper. After supper, we watched the movie GI Joe and I actually kind of liked it:) But then again I have a thing for men in uniform, so it was a movie full of eye candy and action.
I put the boys to bed and actually fell asleep next to them, but woke sometime later after another crazy lesbian encounter dream. I got up to shower and just relax, but within that first hour my ex called to want to reconcile again, as well as my 1st ex came home with 3 buddies to play Rock Band until 4 am.
I really enjoyed talking to my 2nd ex, C. I think maybe we could be on the right track for once, at least to salvage a friendship if nothing more. I do love him, he has always drawn me to him in a way I don't understand, but I did compromise a lot of myself in trying to make him happy in the ways that I thought he wanted and or needed. That caring side of me takes over sometimes and I will do almost anything to keep those I care about happy, but eventually I become bitter and then turn a bit selfish, I see this as a cycle for me, so I just refuse to compromise myself anylonger.
After talking to C. I did play Rock Band and had a great time. My ex, J. and I set breakfast up for the boys and then both went to sleep. My youngest was up very early today, but I did get to sleep a bit. J. went to the store and brought me a Caribou Coffee...he is so considerate after all this time, remembering the little things, I still feel safe in his arms and we communicate better now than we ever did married. Also to mention, he brought me jack coke last night, knowing what I like. He has embraced his Dominant side and I actually like it, he knows when I am getting chaotic and he can usually rein me in....too bad we couldn't have figured all that out prior to divorce and child custody battles. OH well, I respect him, he is a GREAT father to our sons and a best friend.
I am a bit confused about my most recent ex, C. I want to believe this thing that is going on, but our relationship was based on D/s needs, our communications sucks, we have both hurt eachother so the trust is very lacking. We can have great scenes, I feel I give him more of what he needs and that makes me a bit bitter. I don't feel like he knows what I want or need and if he does, it doesn't really coincide with his T-girl ways...at least it hasn't to this point.
Tonight, we are having supper with my old best friend of 9 years. This will be the first time we have seen eachother in 3 years, as after my divorce she took sides and it wasn't mine. Now she is going thru a divorce and I think she is realizing how hard it can really be on someone and she reached out to me. I would not deny a friend even if there was hurt between us. I am nervous as I worry maybe we have both changed so much that our 9 years together really is lost, but part of me hopes that we fall into routine as if we never spent time apart. It would be great to have a best female friend again!
Rune and J. are napping, Rand and I just finished watching Transformers 2. I just love Shia LaBouf....I think that is how it is spelled. He is just so boy next door and still the hero, makes my heart go pitter patter....though typical in the sense that he is with some toothpick of girl....such is life.
Tomorrow J. is playing D&D from 10-5pm. I am actually a little disappointed that I can't go play, I miss being a nerd like that! I can't wait to get back to reading the Sandman series by Neil Gaiman....I love it, And I just read the Lost Girl by Alan Moore and I just couldn't put it down for too long. I bought myself a Star Sapphire Corp t-shirt which I also love, I really am ruled by love crazy how that seems to be.
Oh my mind hurts....I will do this again soon.
CNH
Madness Insues
A fragmented glimmer of hope barely recognizable in the dense fog surrounding my broken heart. My mind is aware of the danger, the hurt, manipulation and yet my forgiving, compassionate heart reaches out to the hope before my logical mind has a chance to think.
I question love, fore I love so freely, giving it to sinners and saints alike. I long for love, to be loved and be in love, for my soul to recognize its other half and vice versa. I want to feel I diserve to be loved in that way. Cherished and possessed and yet free and alive.
I know the madness is in me; i think too much and I feel too much. The logical and the emotional rarely coincide. Yet I belive in following my heart, even though the Bible says your heart can decieve you and lead you astray. Why if God is love and love is of the heart would that be so? Love is a choice and yet not always completely so.
The biological fact is that the enzymes of the heart react to situations more often than not before the mind interprets and sends out reaction.
I want a man taller than myself who is tenderly possessive, old world chivalrous. Who cherishes and adores me, but most of all loves me. Who enjoys my sense of humor, who comforts my emotional side. Someone no easy to anger, whom I can make smile with my own smile, or with a giggle. Who enjoys things I enjoy. Somone I respect, who cuddles, who loves to touch and kiss(even in public). Who is passionate about life and love. Who runs his fingers through my hair, his hands over my body, his lips over mine. Who allows my sarcastic, independent, social self flourish as well as protecting my insecure, worrisome self. One who protects me above all else, who worships my body, my mind, my heart and my spirit. A connection unbreakable between us. My caring nature would lighten his heart, my temper tantrums would make him smile(at least on the inside) because it would mean he had a chance to comfort me with his logic. He would let my fiesty, playfull side play my Dominant will, loving the joy and smile when he did my will, yet his tender teasing and passion, his total need and possession of me would make us jelly in eachothers arms. Our eyes always caressing the other, our bodies always wanting to be close, needing eachothers touch and voice. We would possess and love eachother fully.
He would love my family as I his. We would travel, read, study, debate and discuss. We would attend church, movies, plays, concerts and so much more. We would be best friends and true lifemates.
This is what I ask God for in my prayers!
Charmaine
I question love, fore I love so freely, giving it to sinners and saints alike. I long for love, to be loved and be in love, for my soul to recognize its other half and vice versa. I want to feel I diserve to be loved in that way. Cherished and possessed and yet free and alive.
I know the madness is in me; i think too much and I feel too much. The logical and the emotional rarely coincide. Yet I belive in following my heart, even though the Bible says your heart can decieve you and lead you astray. Why if God is love and love is of the heart would that be so? Love is a choice and yet not always completely so.
The biological fact is that the enzymes of the heart react to situations more often than not before the mind interprets and sends out reaction.
I want a man taller than myself who is tenderly possessive, old world chivalrous. Who cherishes and adores me, but most of all loves me. Who enjoys my sense of humor, who comforts my emotional side. Someone no easy to anger, whom I can make smile with my own smile, or with a giggle. Who enjoys things I enjoy. Somone I respect, who cuddles, who loves to touch and kiss(even in public). Who is passionate about life and love. Who runs his fingers through my hair, his hands over my body, his lips over mine. Who allows my sarcastic, independent, social self flourish as well as protecting my insecure, worrisome self. One who protects me above all else, who worships my body, my mind, my heart and my spirit. A connection unbreakable between us. My caring nature would lighten his heart, my temper tantrums would make him smile(at least on the inside) because it would mean he had a chance to comfort me with his logic. He would let my fiesty, playfull side play my Dominant will, loving the joy and smile when he did my will, yet his tender teasing and passion, his total need and possession of me would make us jelly in eachothers arms. Our eyes always caressing the other, our bodies always wanting to be close, needing eachothers touch and voice. We would possess and love eachother fully.
He would love my family as I his. We would travel, read, study, debate and discuss. We would attend church, movies, plays, concerts and so much more. We would be best friends and true lifemates.
This is what I ask God for in my prayers!
Charmaine
Fresh starts with a fresh heart....
I know who I am, a unique combination of woman and child, fierce and flirty, serious and sensual, passionate and poised! I am who I am, I live for each new day, to enjoy and explore and "be there". I live passionately....both loving and fighting, I have an opinion and I fight for what I believe in. I am fun loving, love learning, enjoy reading, writing poetry, working on art, sipping coffee, gourmet cooking, taking care of others, being pampered....I just want to live in peace and harmony, but fight the good fight when it needs to be done. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, continue to make mistakes and strive forward for knowledge and understanding. You can look me up on fetlife....PreciousMistress. I have a great sense of humor, so come on get to know me, I won't bite, unless you like it:)
Dissolution:
I have realized that so many people walk in a fog, just as I did for so long. It is so unfortunate when you love someone and can't get them to see what they need to see, I know many have been in that position with me in the past as well and I thank all of you for your time and love, even when it was tough. I find myself in emotionally tough situtations regularly, but I look back on what others have done for me and it helps me to try new angles of approach when working with others that I love. Dissolution is a horrible place to be, and when you look back on it....the clearness of it all in hindsight is enought to almost kill you. I have changed and yet I haven't, I am still me...loving, passionate, adventurous, but I am more in control, more optimistic, more enlightened and I love myself more today that I think I ever have. I have so much to offer those that I love, those that I meet, those that only see my smile, for I know my energy is strong and I pass it to anyone I can. I am so appreciative for those who truly appreciate me for all that I am, emotional and otherwise, you are amazing!
Wow....when you truly look at the reality of your life, take responsibility for your mistakes...actions, words, etc and forgive yourself, you realize your future is open to possibility that only you were holding yourself back from. Sometimes we make decisions, good ones, with all our hearts and we have to decide when do we change our mind to preserve our heart. When you forgive yourself, when do you decide that enough is enough and want to move forward, with or without someone? I know that in lonliness and misunderstanding many temptations can arise, how hard do you fight them off....diligently at first, but as the heart is broken and continues to weaken, just the glimpse of understanding or affection from another looks good, even when you know it is against every fiber in your being. The road becomes more rough alone, the Bible even said so.
I wish anyone who has stood here to have faith. God Bless
Precious
I know who I am, a unique combination of woman and child, fierce and flirty, serious and sensual, passionate and poised! I am who I am, I live for each new day, to enjoy and explore and "be there". I live passionately....both loving and fighting, I have an opinion and I fight for what I believe in. I am fun loving, love learning, enjoy reading, writing poetry, working on art, sipping coffee, gourmet cooking, taking care of others, being pampered....I just want to live in peace and harmony, but fight the good fight when it needs to be done. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, continue to make mistakes and strive forward for knowledge and understanding. You can look me up on fetlife....PreciousMistress. I have a great sense of humor, so come on get to know me, I won't bite, unless you like it:)
Dissolution:
I have realized that so many people walk in a fog, just as I did for so long. It is so unfortunate when you love someone and can't get them to see what they need to see, I know many have been in that position with me in the past as well and I thank all of you for your time and love, even when it was tough. I find myself in emotionally tough situtations regularly, but I look back on what others have done for me and it helps me to try new angles of approach when working with others that I love. Dissolution is a horrible place to be, and when you look back on it....the clearness of it all in hindsight is enought to almost kill you. I have changed and yet I haven't, I am still me...loving, passionate, adventurous, but I am more in control, more optimistic, more enlightened and I love myself more today that I think I ever have. I have so much to offer those that I love, those that I meet, those that only see my smile, for I know my energy is strong and I pass it to anyone I can. I am so appreciative for those who truly appreciate me for all that I am, emotional and otherwise, you are amazing!
Wow....when you truly look at the reality of your life, take responsibility for your mistakes...actions, words, etc and forgive yourself, you realize your future is open to possibility that only you were holding yourself back from. Sometimes we make decisions, good ones, with all our hearts and we have to decide when do we change our mind to preserve our heart. When you forgive yourself, when do you decide that enough is enough and want to move forward, with or without someone? I know that in lonliness and misunderstanding many temptations can arise, how hard do you fight them off....diligently at first, but as the heart is broken and continues to weaken, just the glimpse of understanding or affection from another looks good, even when you know it is against every fiber in your being. The road becomes more rough alone, the Bible even said so.
I wish anyone who has stood here to have faith. God Bless
Precious
Parasitic Love
Parasitic love Growing in my heart Eating at my core Changing who I was to start
You seeped in and touched me once or twice I thought you were what I sought Didn't know you would leave me to rot
Now that I am bitter Who do I blame The parasitic love, That's attached to your name
There were others before me and more to come You say you want love, but who from
It is all about you, not those in your wake I guess you didn't know that... The prey could become the predetor one day
Now the parasitic love grows in those I touch too The only one I have to thank IS YOU!
---Precious
You seeped in and touched me once or twice I thought you were what I sought Didn't know you would leave me to rot
Now that I am bitter Who do I blame The parasitic love, That's attached to your name
There were others before me and more to come You say you want love, but who from
It is all about you, not those in your wake I guess you didn't know that... The prey could become the predetor one day
Now the parasitic love grows in those I touch too The only one I have to thank IS YOU!
---Precious
About Me...
The interests on my profile say a lot about me, but not as much as some would like to know. This is my attempt to fill in some blanks... I am a chameleon in evolution, what that means is that I seem to be flexible in fitting in with all crowds. I can be a lady, a tom boy, a mechanic, a cook....I wear wife beater tanks and skirts, boxer shorts and motorcycle boots, high heels and stockings, lingerie and what ever I feel like that day. I enjoy all music, but not so much country. I love to danced, kayak, camp, cook, and create. I enjoy a good book and writing. I do not like cleaning, but I can do it and do not live like a slob. I am simplistic, and enjoy quirky class....art and so much more. I am working to get rid of most everything I own now to go back to a simplistic way of life. I am very spiritual and would be considered eclectic in many ways, but I have my opinions and a strong caring character.
I hope this helped some of you!
Precious
I hope this helped some of you!
Precious
The Secret Well
I have kept a secret well of emotions covered for a very long time. I am ready to be real with myself, to uncover all that I have locked away and kept hidden. I journey down this path of submission and Dominance once again but with a new purpose. To lose control in finding self control, to rid myself of worn out negative emotions and release myself from my own deteriorating mental bondage. I am pushing the limits of my mind, body and spirit. I will keep a running post as I journey, any advice and insight will be accepted joyfully. I am still fighting with emotions of acceptance and self love, I have to continue to remind myself that this is for me and my self acceptance more than the acceptance or gratification of the Dominant that is helping in my journey.
I hope truly find and love myself as I enjoy my walk down this twisted road. I have found that bondage and physical pain bring that secret well of emotions to the surface and that the struggle and freeing release of those emotions has allowed me to accept my past and let it go in some ways. I will continue to experiment with this notion for myself, to allow the pain to pull the emotions from me and allow me to understand myself these feelings. Understanding myself allows me opportunity to change myself and control myself, and in time I hope to be a better person for myself and those I love in my life. I will be a better Dominant, submissive or switch when I come to the end of this journey, only to continue moving forward and growing as I am living for a purpose!
Precious Mistress
I hope truly find and love myself as I enjoy my walk down this twisted road. I have found that bondage and physical pain bring that secret well of emotions to the surface and that the struggle and freeing release of those emotions has allowed me to accept my past and let it go in some ways. I will continue to experiment with this notion for myself, to allow the pain to pull the emotions from me and allow me to understand myself these feelings. Understanding myself allows me opportunity to change myself and control myself, and in time I hope to be a better person for myself and those I love in my life. I will be a better Dominant, submissive or switch when I come to the end of this journey, only to continue moving forward and growing as I am living for a purpose!
Precious Mistress
Raw Passion and Primal Knights
A., my someone special, has pierced the darkness that surrounded me and awoken a part long held frozen deep inside. He gently melted my raw passion and primal desires with soft warm words and gentle embraces of my mind and spirit. I have self preserved for a long time, keeping everyone, even those I love at an arms length, never showing too much vulnerability or true loving emotions, always keeping a facade of control, even when I had none. I have done so much to keep from giving in to myself, my deep desires, my needs, that raw passion that exudes from every pore when I allow it. I need to embrace this, the sheer Dominance and submission of my being, and that has been slowly cracked and gently opened, stretching my mind and spirit to new heights. I have given up so much control now, allowing myself to become one with the primal energy that surges through me, to let another know of my desires, to release myself from previous thought patterns and to give myself freely without guilt, but with pure passion and love! I am like a giddy school girl inside, I smile more, I am happier, I feel that someone understands my needs and desires and enjoys me as much as I enjoy them. I am infatuated not just with the fantasy, but the ultimate reality of it all! My primal knight in shining armor has swept me off my feet, away from the captor of my own mind and worldly thoughts to a place of raw passion and primal romance. Thank you for the awakening, I am yours, ALWAYS....a part of you as you are part of me....ALWAYS!
Precious Puddles
Precious Puddles
Losing my Virginity...technologically speaking
I never thought at my age I would be losing my virginity, but imagine that, today I lost my web cam virginity. Just like a virgin girl, I blushed, I pleaded my case that maybe it was wrong, and I submitted to the will of my lover in a whole new way. I have never used a cam before, never saw the point and certainly was not going to be showing myself off on one in this lifetime...so I thought, but as my lover breaths life into me, fanning the coals of my lust and passion I gave in to my own desires, not just his will. The experience was a new heightened eroticism in my life, a sense of exhibitionism ran through me and I actually wanted to be his camera girl, his personal porn star and the thoughts had me bursting, or should I say squirting with desire. Now my mind races with new ways I can lose my "virginity"...what haven't I tried, where will my limits stop...like everything in life, only time will tell.
Precious Puddles
Precious Puddles
Nothing Ordinary
As I sit along the shore and cry
I see heaven's tears cross her face in an instant
A storm brews and churns in the distance
Mimicking my hearts emotions
Each star in the sky unique
Am I like these stars?
Does anyone sit quietly to behold my beauty and wonder?
Does anyone praise the Creator for the magnificence of my being?
We are one, the stars and I
Feeling so distant and alone
Wanting to be grasped and explored
Before our light begins to dim
Never wanting to just be surpassed as ordinary
**Precious
I see heaven's tears cross her face in an instant
A storm brews and churns in the distance
Mimicking my hearts emotions
Each star in the sky unique
Am I like these stars?
Does anyone sit quietly to behold my beauty and wonder?
Does anyone praise the Creator for the magnificence of my being?
We are one, the stars and I
Feeling so distant and alone
Wanting to be grasped and explored
Before our light begins to dim
Never wanting to just be surpassed as ordinary
**Precious
Passionately Invasive thoughts of my lover
He bites into my juicy flesh, insatiable in his conquest to devour my essence
Probing my mind and introducing desire, bringing my thoughts to a boiling point
Digging into my core, refusing to fail, he invades my every chamber searching for my truest self
His eyes beckon me to come forth from hiding
I can't help but to open myself to his carnal appetite
I relinquish my soul for his eternal feast, delivering forth my unquenchable yearning for only him, the wooer of my heart, body, mind and spirit
His invasion fills me and I am whole, my truest, my most raw and most of all, his ALWAYS!
Love Always, Precious
Probing my mind and introducing desire, bringing my thoughts to a boiling point
Digging into my core, refusing to fail, he invades my every chamber searching for my truest self
His eyes beckon me to come forth from hiding
I can't help but to open myself to his carnal appetite
I relinquish my soul for his eternal feast, delivering forth my unquenchable yearning for only him, the wooer of my heart, body, mind and spirit
His invasion fills me and I am whole, my truest, my most raw and most of all, his ALWAYS!
Love Always, Precious
Being His
He says the words, those I have longed to hear. His soft breath and whispers fall upon my ear. Slowly and sensually he removes the layers of my being. Pushing further into me with each heart beat. He fans the burning embers of my soul, controlling my passionate blaze. I am his; his princess, his sweet baby, his lover, his girl. He is my knight, my hero, my world. Vowing my purity to his touch alone...
A starving soul, famished and defeated
Deep wounds still bled
Cowering in my heart's crypt
An impenetrable fortress built as a memorial to my once vulnerable self
As the mortar falls, light seeps in every space possible
Emotions swell as the warmth invades this dark, cold place
Called out of hiding, stepping over the broken shell to this confine to myself
Freedom awaits in his embrace
Like a fairytale princess, I have been awoken by his lips
Once imprisoned in cold, dark nights
My passionate blaze is now my eternal light
He pries into my inner sanctum, my core. Bearing himself and pulling me out, one naked fiber at a time, weaving me back together as a new, erotically charged siren of desire. He pulled the last flickering ember of my soul from a wasteland of ash and destruction. He held me in his hands and breathed life back into me. He makes me glow and continuously and diligently adds fuel to our fire each day. I want to be owned and cherished by him, giving him all of me and saving myself for him alone.
Precious
A starving soul, famished and defeated
Deep wounds still bled
Cowering in my heart's crypt
An impenetrable fortress built as a memorial to my once vulnerable self
As the mortar falls, light seeps in every space possible
Emotions swell as the warmth invades this dark, cold place
Called out of hiding, stepping over the broken shell to this confine to myself
Freedom awaits in his embrace
Like a fairytale princess, I have been awoken by his lips
Once imprisoned in cold, dark nights
My passionate blaze is now my eternal light
He pries into my inner sanctum, my core. Bearing himself and pulling me out, one naked fiber at a time, weaving me back together as a new, erotically charged siren of desire. He pulled the last flickering ember of my soul from a wasteland of ash and destruction. He held me in his hands and breathed life back into me. He makes me glow and continuously and diligently adds fuel to our fire each day. I want to be owned and cherished by him, giving him all of me and saving myself for him alone.
Precious
Gardener of my soul
He has gently worked the soil and planted the seed
He nourishes his prize with his primal refreshment and encouraging words of beauty
Watching her grow before him, slowly becoming full
Her delicate petals enveloping her mysterious core
He revels in her beauty and prunes her sensually,
fluttering her sensations and evoking her openness
As she comes to full bloom he drinks in her sweet scent
Forging this memory forever in his mind
Never plucking her beauty or allowing her to wither in sorrow or neglect
He tends to her each day-
warming and nurturing her
so that he may bask in her beauty and aroma forever more.
**Precious
He nourishes his prize with his primal refreshment and encouraging words of beauty
Watching her grow before him, slowly becoming full
Her delicate petals enveloping her mysterious core
He revels in her beauty and prunes her sensually,
fluttering her sensations and evoking her openness
As she comes to full bloom he drinks in her sweet scent
Forging this memory forever in his mind
Never plucking her beauty or allowing her to wither in sorrow or neglect
He tends to her each day-
warming and nurturing her
so that he may bask in her beauty and aroma forever more.
**Precious
Dreaming of Him
A gripping embrace
Warm fingertips encircling my taut nipples
Succulent lips tasting mine
Palm gliding along my jaw, into my ringlets of gold
Entwining his fingers as jewels
Our amber eyes ablaze as we peer into each others souls
No speech necessary in our passionate language
His sweet scent of woodsy maple, deep and musky
Making me savor and long once again for his syrupy secretions,
His purely masculine entity
My sweet honey liquor dripping into his palm as he reaches for my soul
Unfolding my delicate petals to press his palm against the tender bud within
**Precious
Warm fingertips encircling my taut nipples
Succulent lips tasting mine
Palm gliding along my jaw, into my ringlets of gold
Entwining his fingers as jewels
Our amber eyes ablaze as we peer into each others souls
No speech necessary in our passionate language
His sweet scent of woodsy maple, deep and musky
Making me savor and long once again for his syrupy secretions,
His purely masculine entity
My sweet honey liquor dripping into his palm as he reaches for my soul
Unfolding my delicate petals to press his palm against the tender bud within
**Precious
Thoughts of a hopeless romantic
What is a hopeless romantic, full of vigor and passion for life to do? I always dream of reality and fantasy intermingling, but does it really ever happen? Is it just something that appears in movies and books? Maybe it is written and portrayed because it is a possibility that is seemingly unattainable to so many who want it.
Why then couldn't two hopelessly passionate people happen upon eachother and recognize the opportunity? Could they make their fantasies and reality intertwine? If that happened could they really let it be reality or would it have to stay fantasy for fear that it is too good to be true?
Life is a journey and this Princess is just waiting for her knight.
Thank you to the one who has awakened these thoughts and feelings within me, I have allowed myself to be neglected for far to long and it is time for me to shine!
Precious
Why then couldn't two hopelessly passionate people happen upon eachother and recognize the opportunity? Could they make their fantasies and reality intertwine? If that happened could they really let it be reality or would it have to stay fantasy for fear that it is too good to be true?
Life is a journey and this Princess is just waiting for her knight.
Thank you to the one who has awakened these thoughts and feelings within me, I have allowed myself to be neglected for far to long and it is time for me to shine!
Precious
Better than the movies
He made me laugh and his smile made his lips sparkle with supple lusciousness. They were soft, pillowy and deliciously sweet. I took short, breathy kisses just teasing and tasting him. Then he held my face in his hands, he said "I need to kiss you, can I please kiss you"--moving in so slowly, just barely touching his lips to mine as his hand went into my hair to grasp in softly, yet firm. I anticipated the pull forward only for him to hold me tight and look into my eyes saying, " I need to kiss you, please I need to taste you" I became putty in his hands as I heard him beg and felt his breath against my lips. I was breathless and almost begging for his lips to touch mine as he held me steady and repeated his words until I was able to utter "yes" through my staggered breathing. Then slowly and intently he pressed his lips to mine and tenderly slid his tongue between my lips in the most passionate kiss I have ever experienced.
This is "THE KISS" that all others will now be held to:)
Precious
This is "THE KISS" that all others will now be held to:)
Precious
Random Thought 1
People say a lot of things, men and women alike. A profile can make you the person you want to be or you can be honest and be yourself; hard choice I know. I would love to be an uber Domme Queen, but in reality I am a sensual and sadistic Switch. I love in a vanilla world and I add as much D/s to each day as I can. I am a Switch because I can turn it on and off. I can enjoy being pampered as well as pampering. Everything is give and take from both sides; Anyone who doesn't understand that is either a power tripping Dominant or a needy, selfish submissive. It should never be all for the pleasure of one. If your heart is not in it--don't do it. Nobody wants to fake it or be disrespected by a fake. I have to personaly thank one for presenting himself as he truly is, as he went as far as to prove himself against my disbelief. It is unfortunate that chivalry is not an epidemic, but in a world of arrogance one person has shown me that my fairytale dreams could come true on an everyday basis, appealing to my emotional level and not just the physical and in that I am truly grateful!
Precious
Precious
Heart and Appreciation
Do submissives truly enjoy catering to their Masters/Mistress'? Do they enjoy tending to their Dominants' comforts and needs or do they only endure it to allow themselves to get their needs met?
Do Dominants truly enjoy caring for their submissives? Do they enjoy making their pets comfortable or endure caring for them to indulge their conception of power?
The idea, the true fantasy is to find that O/one who works to comfort you and make you smile as much as you work to do the same for them. In essence, an equal power exchange, a relationship that is mutually beneficial in all reallms; emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and social.
When a submissive loses their smile and feels neglected, serving their Dominant becomes unpleasurable work. When a Dominant loses their smile and feels they have no down time, even play can become a chore. Both hearts must be in it 110% at all times and you need to be true partners--picking up eachothers' slack lovingly when life dictates. We all have off days, but we must communicate honestly at the first sign of tension; discuss, decide and let it pass.
Don't be ungrateful for the one that cares for you. Make sure you showe your appreciation each day and make sure that your heart is in it for all the right reasons. The heart can deceive the mind, so check your heart and make the most of it all.
Precious
Do Dominants truly enjoy caring for their submissives? Do they enjoy making their pets comfortable or endure caring for them to indulge their conception of power?
The idea, the true fantasy is to find that O/one who works to comfort you and make you smile as much as you work to do the same for them. In essence, an equal power exchange, a relationship that is mutually beneficial in all reallms; emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and social.
When a submissive loses their smile and feels neglected, serving their Dominant becomes unpleasurable work. When a Dominant loses their smile and feels they have no down time, even play can become a chore. Both hearts must be in it 110% at all times and you need to be true partners--picking up eachothers' slack lovingly when life dictates. We all have off days, but we must communicate honestly at the first sign of tension; discuss, decide and let it pass.
Don't be ungrateful for the one that cares for you. Make sure you showe your appreciation each day and make sure that your heart is in it for all the right reasons. The heart can deceive the mind, so check your heart and make the most of it all.
Precious
Rough Draft Part 1
This is dedicated to my Dearest Alex:
The thought of your beautiful eyes and sweet smile light the hours of my days. Your warm words breathe life into my dreams. Your passionate embrace sinks into my soul as my fantasy of sealing myself to you, yours always with the blaze of our first kiss.
Always Yours,
Nicole
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1
The cool night air chilled her visibly wet skin as they walked out of the club.
He had been watching her dance for hours, hips circling, breasts heaving. Drops of diamondy sweat clung to her collarbone and her smile only intrigued him more as she watched him watching her. This was her mating dance and he was pleased that it was for him. She grabbed his hand and whispered into his ear, " Do you want me?" He replied, "of course" as he licked her neck playfully. "Then lets go" as she turned around, grazing her ass across his crotch as she turned. Looking over her shoulder and winking, knowing she was teasing him in public.
As they broke free from the building his hands grabbed her waist and pulled her close. He pressed her back against the cool brick. She could feel the rough stone biting into her back and she arched her back, raising her pelvis to his. He kissed her feverishly, his hand wrapping around the back of her neck, not allowing her to retreat even for air. He has wanted to leave before they arrived...her ritual of getting ready; her scent, her hair, her tight fitting blouse...he wanted to throw her down then, but now after hours of watching her roll her hips on the dance floor he needed those hips gyrating against him now. He slid his hand underneath her skirt, gliding his fingertips along her slick thighs. He felt her gasp and pulled back to look into her eyes. "I need you now, lover" with a charming smile. He could see the fire burning in her eyes, the smirk on her face said she was ready, she playfully grabbed his hand and declared, " I need you all over me!" They almost ran with anticipitory laughter to their room a few blocks away, stealing kisses and groping each other in every shadow of the city. His cock throbbing against his slacks, her thighs moist as she dripped for his touch.
The room was quiet, aglow with only one small light. She hadn't even heard the door lock behind her when she was being pushed and tossed atop the bed. She giggled in her sweet way that made him want her even more. He gazed upon her; her golden ringlets encircling her beautiful face, her deliciously pink, pouty lips, her supple breasts, her taut nipples fighting against her shirt. He slid her heels off and gently kissed her ankles. Slowly licking and kissing, his soft lips whispering sweet breathy words over her thighs. She loved watching him, his dedication to worshipping her body, his delicate touch and his erotic words. "My sweet baby, you make my cock so hard when you drip just for me. I want to eat all of you." His tongue began tracing the contour of her slick lips. She looked into his eyes as he flicked his tongue against her throbbing clit. He slowly teased her as she writhed beneath him. Tasting her sweet nectar as she dripped and dripped for him and him alone. Her breathing became pants, her skin flushed pink as she bit her bottom lip. "I want all your hot cum Nicole, give it to me, feed me lover" his breathy words came between sensual licks. His hot tongue probing deep into her. he licked and sucked, nibbling her clit with his lips and soon she moaned, "Oh Alex, Oh my God!" in her sweet singing pitch and he was baptized in her eruption of hot honey. He licked every drop, savoring her flavor. He crawled atop her limp body. Her face turned to meet him..."mmmmm" she smiled, reaching her hand into his soft downy hair and pulling his lips to hers. She tasted herself upon his lips, his tongue. She bathed his chin, smiling after each lap. He pulled her to him and kissed her deep as he rolled her on top of him. They kissed and rubbed their bodies together, entwined in passion. She positioned her wet pussy just above the head of his cock. Teasing just the tip, giggling as he pulled air through his teeth. His massive cock, a monument to his desire for her, her personal obelisk, rock solid when ever she was near. His cock was hers and she loved it.
TO BE CONTINUED***********************************
Precious Mistress Puddles
The thought of your beautiful eyes and sweet smile light the hours of my days. Your warm words breathe life into my dreams. Your passionate embrace sinks into my soul as my fantasy of sealing myself to you, yours always with the blaze of our first kiss.
Always Yours,
Nicole
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1
The cool night air chilled her visibly wet skin as they walked out of the club.
He had been watching her dance for hours, hips circling, breasts heaving. Drops of diamondy sweat clung to her collarbone and her smile only intrigued him more as she watched him watching her. This was her mating dance and he was pleased that it was for him. She grabbed his hand and whispered into his ear, " Do you want me?" He replied, "of course" as he licked her neck playfully. "Then lets go" as she turned around, grazing her ass across his crotch as she turned. Looking over her shoulder and winking, knowing she was teasing him in public.
As they broke free from the building his hands grabbed her waist and pulled her close. He pressed her back against the cool brick. She could feel the rough stone biting into her back and she arched her back, raising her pelvis to his. He kissed her feverishly, his hand wrapping around the back of her neck, not allowing her to retreat even for air. He has wanted to leave before they arrived...her ritual of getting ready; her scent, her hair, her tight fitting blouse...he wanted to throw her down then, but now after hours of watching her roll her hips on the dance floor he needed those hips gyrating against him now. He slid his hand underneath her skirt, gliding his fingertips along her slick thighs. He felt her gasp and pulled back to look into her eyes. "I need you now, lover" with a charming smile. He could see the fire burning in her eyes, the smirk on her face said she was ready, she playfully grabbed his hand and declared, " I need you all over me!" They almost ran with anticipitory laughter to their room a few blocks away, stealing kisses and groping each other in every shadow of the city. His cock throbbing against his slacks, her thighs moist as she dripped for his touch.
The room was quiet, aglow with only one small light. She hadn't even heard the door lock behind her when she was being pushed and tossed atop the bed. She giggled in her sweet way that made him want her even more. He gazed upon her; her golden ringlets encircling her beautiful face, her deliciously pink, pouty lips, her supple breasts, her taut nipples fighting against her shirt. He slid her heels off and gently kissed her ankles. Slowly licking and kissing, his soft lips whispering sweet breathy words over her thighs. She loved watching him, his dedication to worshipping her body, his delicate touch and his erotic words. "My sweet baby, you make my cock so hard when you drip just for me. I want to eat all of you." His tongue began tracing the contour of her slick lips. She looked into his eyes as he flicked his tongue against her throbbing clit. He slowly teased her as she writhed beneath him. Tasting her sweet nectar as she dripped and dripped for him and him alone. Her breathing became pants, her skin flushed pink as she bit her bottom lip. "I want all your hot cum Nicole, give it to me, feed me lover" his breathy words came between sensual licks. His hot tongue probing deep into her. he licked and sucked, nibbling her clit with his lips and soon she moaned, "Oh Alex, Oh my God!" in her sweet singing pitch and he was baptized in her eruption of hot honey. He licked every drop, savoring her flavor. He crawled atop her limp body. Her face turned to meet him..."mmmmm" she smiled, reaching her hand into his soft downy hair and pulling his lips to hers. She tasted herself upon his lips, his tongue. She bathed his chin, smiling after each lap. He pulled her to him and kissed her deep as he rolled her on top of him. They kissed and rubbed their bodies together, entwined in passion. She positioned her wet pussy just above the head of his cock. Teasing just the tip, giggling as he pulled air through his teeth. His massive cock, a monument to his desire for her, her personal obelisk, rock solid when ever she was near. His cock was hers and she loved it.
TO BE CONTINUED***********************************
Precious Mistress Puddles
Disclaimer
This is a general blog relating to me and my atmosphere, it will be emotional and strange. I will talk about others, I will discuss all the little things about myself that most people never know. This is my freedom of speech and I will utilize it to the best of my abilities.
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