Update......

So much has happened in the last few weeks, more like a downward spiral of events, but I have learned that " The human condition is a disease that ultimately ends in death"....along these same lines,some people succumb slowly to the inevitability of time, while some suffer great pain over the years. Some of us survive, but then only feel different pain in trying to rid ourselves of this infection called the "past" the shit that haunts us, that leaves us spinning and possibly infecting those we care about in life because of our actions. For a long time, I just reacted, just let all the emotions run rampant, but now I have to see it all and start to heal the infection within rather than slap a Hello Kitty bandaid on it and try to smile through the pain. It hurts, but being healed in the end will make it worth while.

My ex C., well so much for starting over on Thanksgiving. He chose to fight with me about something I supposedly said....he wasn't really listening to me and he ranted about it for 6 hours. I felt awful, but I had to realize at that moment how much I have changed and how much he hasn't and how he truly does live for chaos, he creates the chaos in his life and when someone draws away he uses guilt and manipulation to pull them back in, he needs these people to blame for his problems or else he wouldn't get by. I sucked it up, I cried, I told him how much I loved him and then I gave him every submissive part of me. As he fisted me and I went out of my mind, I gave him the last bits of me he didn't have. It was a powerful experience that I didn't see clearly until the next day. When I awoke, having gone to bed with him upset because he had played with me and felt that I didn't hear his feelings(the previous 6 hours of our time together) I felt rejected for a moment, but I just went to sleep and tried to enjoy floating, but anyway...when I awoke I went to get the mail of mine from the deck and found a love letter from the other woman dated the day he and I had had so much fun in Fargo. I didn't let him I know I had seen it. I kissed him goodbye and left. I thought about it all the way home. He was once again playing with me and my heart and had no remorse what so ever. Then I realized that now that I had put all of myself submissively outside of my mind for once that I wasn't so scared to give it to someone who would appreciate it. I felt free, he doesn't own me or control me because of my fears anymore. When he called me a few days later needing money and help, I told him to ask his girlfriend and that I wanted the divorce finallized as my birthday gift. I love him, but this behavior turns me into a jealous person that I don't like or love and I refuse to be that person ever again and if that means letting him go be happy with her and letting myself go so that maybe I can find happiness then so be it. I still cry a lot when I am alone at night, but it is all part of the healing process.


I am getting along well with my ex, J. and I am excited to have my kids with me this coming weekend. I am so excited, I wish I had more money to spoil them a bit. I hate working hours in which I don't seem to be able to speak to them more than once a week, but I hope that then never forget me and how much I love them. I feel as though I have been a terrible mother, selfish and out of my mind most of their young lives. I am so glad that my ex was able to stand as a rock for all of us even in his darkest days during our divorce. He really is a remarkable man and I hope that his perfect woman comes to love him and our sons, I just want him happy and taken care of, but I don't want a woman who wants to take my place as their mother, I would hope she would be like me with more of his values, but understanding like me.

I have spent time talking with Stephan....4 hours one night. The conversations are good, but I don't get the feeling that he is interested in being more than my friend, so I had to just back off a bit. I really like him and will be happy with his friendship. He bought me a book for my birthday and I am excited to read it. It is called "the name of the wind", not sure the author.

Kyle has kept in touch with me. He has really made an effort to get to know me. He came to my house a week ago and I made him my famous spicey Thai peanut chicken and we watched the movie --The Boondocks Saints---I really enjoyed it. I went to his families house this week and had a traditional Brazilian meal that his father made. I enjoyed it so much and had a great time just talking with him and his dad. I know he wants to have a relationship, but I am still have problems with the age thing, and the fact that I don't want to break his heart or be responsible for his virginity. I just ggggrrrrrr, I mean the concept is nice...he is great and gorgious, but I have enough problems of my own without pulling and innocent down with me. I guess that same thought sort of goes for Stephan as well. Kyle is a great kisser, soft lips and a velvet tongue, he enjoys pulling my erotic buttons....he gets this mischevious grin when I have to pull away, he is just pushing for me to cross my own lines. I know he is interested in my Dominant side, but I am scared that if I take control, I will push past both of our limits and I am just not ready yet. But when I lean on his shoulder he kisses my temple, he runs his fingers over my cheeks, he is a romantic deep inside even if he doesn't show anyone else and I like that about him.


I want to be with someone who understands me and it just doesn't seem like I can find it. I thought I did in my aquaintance, Dale....we had a great night together, talking and laughing and kissing, but he never called me again and so much for that. I don't need a guy like that in my life either.


I got word that my friend JTB is coming home, due to a minor physical injury and a huge emotional/mental injury to his pride. He was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress and Borderline Personality. Now I have worked with people with both...ie: My 2nd ex does have these things and look at what I deal with regarding him, but then again he lacks emotions and could be considered a sociopath in many ways. JTB is not like this, I have never seen him overly emotional, or at least no more than myself. WE are emotional people and we roll with it rather than bottle it. I feel terrible for him, and yet my selfish self is so happy to have him back. I will help him in any way that I can to reach his next goal. I think about us being roommates or something crazy in Minneapolis while he goes to school....like could really make a drastic change in the next year.


Alex continues to call, he tells me he is thinking of me, he pulls every heartstring I have. I told him about Dale and he said that he didn't want me to feel held down because of him, he wants me happy and all. But I talk to Alex about everything, I laugh, I cry, I get pissed and anwry. He just listens and then tells me how beautiful and unforgettable I am. Well he found me again after 6 years so that must mean something, he wouldn't call if he didn't want to. But is he calling for me or for the fact that 9 times out of 10 I end up cumming on the phone and he just knows the odds of his own pleasure if he leisurly listens to me. I want to believer that when he says he enjoys making me happy that it is true. OMG, I just want him for myself. I want him close, I want to feel him, smell him, kiss him. I want to know that he is real and not a figment of my hopeless romantic imagination. I want to believe that he is my dream come true and that fairtytales can happen. It is hard to be me, on one hand I absolutely believe what I just wrote and on the other I think it is sugary babble bullshit. I am the borderline peronality disorder......Domintnant/submissive, creative/analitycal, warm/cold, healer/destroyer, laugher/cryer......oh it goes on and on and I am always both.


Lord help me!