There she is; heart resembling her true being: warm, soft in places, big, beautiful, flowing and strong
There she is; serenely chaotic; mind like a dream, hopelessly romantic and romantically hopeful
There she is; a voice of emotion: a ballad of sorrow, a melody of happiness, a roar of anger, a whisper of confusion
There she is; daughter, sister, aunt, mother, and grandmother someday
There she is; adventurous, bold, mysterious, insecure, brave, loving and so much more
There she is; the was, is and will be
There she is; ME
--CNH
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A new approach in 2010
A new year, a new decade--in both calendar as well as life, beings I turned 30 in Dec. '09. My 20's where a journey. I accomplished everything I had planned. I was driven. I went to college and graduated, got a good job that I enjoyed, traveled (Europe, Mexico, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, Canada, Seattle, WA, Ohio, Minnesota and so many more), got married, bought a house, had 2 kids, a dog....I was set right? Oh no. I lost me somewhere and I am still looking for who I am. I got divorced--lost the house, dog, kids and job I had worked so hard for. In hindsight, my husband was and still is a remarkable man and great father. He takes care of our boys, he is a dedicated employee and a rock when I am crazy, even now. We were both young and selfish, but in the end I was the more selfish of the two, but we had a great sense of humor together and we were always doing sweet things for eachother.
I got married again out of sheer careless, reckless abandoned love. At times my gut told me it was wrong, but I pushed it down. I stopped believing in my gut and now my heart a little as well. I loved my 2nd husband, but we never could communicate in the ways we needed and too many years of lies, cheating and deceit will not allow me to ever trust him. Now I am not perfect, I definately have my own issues, I am reactionary and very emotional. I don't always think before I speak and that hurts people feelings. I am working on this, but I had low self esteem and in many ways I think that was manipulated to make me question myself more. So, I am divorcing again and this from someone who doesn't believe in divorce, someone who believes you can work thru anything, well you can if both people want to work, but that is not always the case.
Sitting now in an apartment on main in Brookings, SD....I keep moving, but I keep eluding myself. I moved this time because I wanted to and for nothing more. My gay roommate, JTB, is going to college. I feel lost--not adult enough to be too serious and yet not young enough to be so reckless.
When I got married(#1) I was too independent to settle down. When I had my dearly loved sons, I was too selfish and not ready for motherhood. I felt I lost all freedom, and I did but what was wrong with that? I had someone who love me enough and 2 great little boys. I am still hurt by marriage #2, but life goes on. I need emotion and companionship from someone or I get restless.
I feel I have disgraced every moral I have. I cheated on my 1st husband, for a few moments of feeling freedom and desire, not like a wife...dumb I know. I only cheated on my 2nd husband after being separated for so long and knowing that he had been cheating on me before and during our marriage, as well as during our separation. I just couldn't take it anymore. After 2 years of emotional and sexual neglect, I had to act.
I have accomplished a few things, like quitting smoking and changing bad behaviors. I still get emotional from time to time though....here is a white board conversation my roommate and I had. (we have a white board that hangs in the hallway between our bedroom doors to communicate at times)
My statement: "I mourn a lost dream, a fantasy, a hopeless romantic whim. A reality only in my mind that shall never see the waking world." CNH
My roommate's responce: "Why mourn a lost dream when reality gives you hope? Why live a fantasy when life is much more than fiction? Why is romance hopeless when hope is something no one can take away? Perception defines your reality, so cock your head to the left and see the hopeful nonfiction that no one can steal and write a new chapter filled with dreams, fantasy, and romantic whims and stop being a morose emo bitch. With love, JTB"
WEll he has a point, I need to stop defining myself by what I feel is failure, learn, get up, keep going.....a new adventure at 30.
CNH
I got married again out of sheer careless, reckless abandoned love. At times my gut told me it was wrong, but I pushed it down. I stopped believing in my gut and now my heart a little as well. I loved my 2nd husband, but we never could communicate in the ways we needed and too many years of lies, cheating and deceit will not allow me to ever trust him. Now I am not perfect, I definately have my own issues, I am reactionary and very emotional. I don't always think before I speak and that hurts people feelings. I am working on this, but I had low self esteem and in many ways I think that was manipulated to make me question myself more. So, I am divorcing again and this from someone who doesn't believe in divorce, someone who believes you can work thru anything, well you can if both people want to work, but that is not always the case.
Sitting now in an apartment on main in Brookings, SD....I keep moving, but I keep eluding myself. I moved this time because I wanted to and for nothing more. My gay roommate, JTB, is going to college. I feel lost--not adult enough to be too serious and yet not young enough to be so reckless.
When I got married(#1) I was too independent to settle down. When I had my dearly loved sons, I was too selfish and not ready for motherhood. I felt I lost all freedom, and I did but what was wrong with that? I had someone who love me enough and 2 great little boys. I am still hurt by marriage #2, but life goes on. I need emotion and companionship from someone or I get restless.
I feel I have disgraced every moral I have. I cheated on my 1st husband, for a few moments of feeling freedom and desire, not like a wife...dumb I know. I only cheated on my 2nd husband after being separated for so long and knowing that he had been cheating on me before and during our marriage, as well as during our separation. I just couldn't take it anymore. After 2 years of emotional and sexual neglect, I had to act.
I have accomplished a few things, like quitting smoking and changing bad behaviors. I still get emotional from time to time though....here is a white board conversation my roommate and I had. (we have a white board that hangs in the hallway between our bedroom doors to communicate at times)
My statement: "I mourn a lost dream, a fantasy, a hopeless romantic whim. A reality only in my mind that shall never see the waking world." CNH
My roommate's responce: "Why mourn a lost dream when reality gives you hope? Why live a fantasy when life is much more than fiction? Why is romance hopeless when hope is something no one can take away? Perception defines your reality, so cock your head to the left and see the hopeful nonfiction that no one can steal and write a new chapter filled with dreams, fantasy, and romantic whims and stop being a morose emo bitch. With love, JTB"
WEll he has a point, I need to stop defining myself by what I feel is failure, learn, get up, keep going.....a new adventure at 30.
CNH
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