There she is; heart resembling her true being: warm, soft in places, big, beautiful, flowing and strong
There she is; serenely chaotic; mind like a dream, hopelessly romantic and romantically hopeful
There she is; a voice of emotion: a ballad of sorrow, a melody of happiness, a roar of anger, a whisper of confusion
There she is; daughter, sister, aunt, mother, and grandmother someday
There she is; adventurous, bold, mysterious, insecure, brave, loving and so much more
There she is; the was, is and will be
There she is; ME
--CNH
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A new approach in 2010
A new year, a new decade--in both calendar as well as life, beings I turned 30 in Dec. '09. My 20's where a journey. I accomplished everything I had planned. I was driven. I went to college and graduated, got a good job that I enjoyed, traveled (Europe, Mexico, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, Canada, Seattle, WA, Ohio, Minnesota and so many more), got married, bought a house, had 2 kids, a dog....I was set right? Oh no. I lost me somewhere and I am still looking for who I am. I got divorced--lost the house, dog, kids and job I had worked so hard for. In hindsight, my husband was and still is a remarkable man and great father. He takes care of our boys, he is a dedicated employee and a rock when I am crazy, even now. We were both young and selfish, but in the end I was the more selfish of the two, but we had a great sense of humor together and we were always doing sweet things for eachother.
I got married again out of sheer careless, reckless abandoned love. At times my gut told me it was wrong, but I pushed it down. I stopped believing in my gut and now my heart a little as well. I loved my 2nd husband, but we never could communicate in the ways we needed and too many years of lies, cheating and deceit will not allow me to ever trust him. Now I am not perfect, I definately have my own issues, I am reactionary and very emotional. I don't always think before I speak and that hurts people feelings. I am working on this, but I had low self esteem and in many ways I think that was manipulated to make me question myself more. So, I am divorcing again and this from someone who doesn't believe in divorce, someone who believes you can work thru anything, well you can if both people want to work, but that is not always the case.
Sitting now in an apartment on main in Brookings, SD....I keep moving, but I keep eluding myself. I moved this time because I wanted to and for nothing more. My gay roommate, JTB, is going to college. I feel lost--not adult enough to be too serious and yet not young enough to be so reckless.
When I got married(#1) I was too independent to settle down. When I had my dearly loved sons, I was too selfish and not ready for motherhood. I felt I lost all freedom, and I did but what was wrong with that? I had someone who love me enough and 2 great little boys. I am still hurt by marriage #2, but life goes on. I need emotion and companionship from someone or I get restless.
I feel I have disgraced every moral I have. I cheated on my 1st husband, for a few moments of feeling freedom and desire, not like a wife...dumb I know. I only cheated on my 2nd husband after being separated for so long and knowing that he had been cheating on me before and during our marriage, as well as during our separation. I just couldn't take it anymore. After 2 years of emotional and sexual neglect, I had to act.
I have accomplished a few things, like quitting smoking and changing bad behaviors. I still get emotional from time to time though....here is a white board conversation my roommate and I had. (we have a white board that hangs in the hallway between our bedroom doors to communicate at times)
My statement: "I mourn a lost dream, a fantasy, a hopeless romantic whim. A reality only in my mind that shall never see the waking world." CNH
My roommate's responce: "Why mourn a lost dream when reality gives you hope? Why live a fantasy when life is much more than fiction? Why is romance hopeless when hope is something no one can take away? Perception defines your reality, so cock your head to the left and see the hopeful nonfiction that no one can steal and write a new chapter filled with dreams, fantasy, and romantic whims and stop being a morose emo bitch. With love, JTB"
WEll he has a point, I need to stop defining myself by what I feel is failure, learn, get up, keep going.....a new adventure at 30.
CNH
I got married again out of sheer careless, reckless abandoned love. At times my gut told me it was wrong, but I pushed it down. I stopped believing in my gut and now my heart a little as well. I loved my 2nd husband, but we never could communicate in the ways we needed and too many years of lies, cheating and deceit will not allow me to ever trust him. Now I am not perfect, I definately have my own issues, I am reactionary and very emotional. I don't always think before I speak and that hurts people feelings. I am working on this, but I had low self esteem and in many ways I think that was manipulated to make me question myself more. So, I am divorcing again and this from someone who doesn't believe in divorce, someone who believes you can work thru anything, well you can if both people want to work, but that is not always the case.
Sitting now in an apartment on main in Brookings, SD....I keep moving, but I keep eluding myself. I moved this time because I wanted to and for nothing more. My gay roommate, JTB, is going to college. I feel lost--not adult enough to be too serious and yet not young enough to be so reckless.
When I got married(#1) I was too independent to settle down. When I had my dearly loved sons, I was too selfish and not ready for motherhood. I felt I lost all freedom, and I did but what was wrong with that? I had someone who love me enough and 2 great little boys. I am still hurt by marriage #2, but life goes on. I need emotion and companionship from someone or I get restless.
I feel I have disgraced every moral I have. I cheated on my 1st husband, for a few moments of feeling freedom and desire, not like a wife...dumb I know. I only cheated on my 2nd husband after being separated for so long and knowing that he had been cheating on me before and during our marriage, as well as during our separation. I just couldn't take it anymore. After 2 years of emotional and sexual neglect, I had to act.
I have accomplished a few things, like quitting smoking and changing bad behaviors. I still get emotional from time to time though....here is a white board conversation my roommate and I had. (we have a white board that hangs in the hallway between our bedroom doors to communicate at times)
My statement: "I mourn a lost dream, a fantasy, a hopeless romantic whim. A reality only in my mind that shall never see the waking world." CNH
My roommate's responce: "Why mourn a lost dream when reality gives you hope? Why live a fantasy when life is much more than fiction? Why is romance hopeless when hope is something no one can take away? Perception defines your reality, so cock your head to the left and see the hopeful nonfiction that no one can steal and write a new chapter filled with dreams, fantasy, and romantic whims and stop being a morose emo bitch. With love, JTB"
WEll he has a point, I need to stop defining myself by what I feel is failure, learn, get up, keep going.....a new adventure at 30.
CNH
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Update......
So much has happened in the last few weeks, more like a downward spiral of events, but I have learned that " The human condition is a disease that ultimately ends in death"....along these same lines,some people succumb slowly to the inevitability of time, while some suffer great pain over the years. Some of us survive, but then only feel different pain in trying to rid ourselves of this infection called the "past" the shit that haunts us, that leaves us spinning and possibly infecting those we care about in life because of our actions. For a long time, I just reacted, just let all the emotions run rampant, but now I have to see it all and start to heal the infection within rather than slap a Hello Kitty bandaid on it and try to smile through the pain. It hurts, but being healed in the end will make it worth while.
My ex C., well so much for starting over on Thanksgiving. He chose to fight with me about something I supposedly said....he wasn't really listening to me and he ranted about it for 6 hours. I felt awful, but I had to realize at that moment how much I have changed and how much he hasn't and how he truly does live for chaos, he creates the chaos in his life and when someone draws away he uses guilt and manipulation to pull them back in, he needs these people to blame for his problems or else he wouldn't get by. I sucked it up, I cried, I told him how much I loved him and then I gave him every submissive part of me. As he fisted me and I went out of my mind, I gave him the last bits of me he didn't have. It was a powerful experience that I didn't see clearly until the next day. When I awoke, having gone to bed with him upset because he had played with me and felt that I didn't hear his feelings(the previous 6 hours of our time together) I felt rejected for a moment, but I just went to sleep and tried to enjoy floating, but anyway...when I awoke I went to get the mail of mine from the deck and found a love letter from the other woman dated the day he and I had had so much fun in Fargo. I didn't let him I know I had seen it. I kissed him goodbye and left. I thought about it all the way home. He was once again playing with me and my heart and had no remorse what so ever. Then I realized that now that I had put all of myself submissively outside of my mind for once that I wasn't so scared to give it to someone who would appreciate it. I felt free, he doesn't own me or control me because of my fears anymore. When he called me a few days later needing money and help, I told him to ask his girlfriend and that I wanted the divorce finallized as my birthday gift. I love him, but this behavior turns me into a jealous person that I don't like or love and I refuse to be that person ever again and if that means letting him go be happy with her and letting myself go so that maybe I can find happiness then so be it. I still cry a lot when I am alone at night, but it is all part of the healing process.
I am getting along well with my ex, J. and I am excited to have my kids with me this coming weekend. I am so excited, I wish I had more money to spoil them a bit. I hate working hours in which I don't seem to be able to speak to them more than once a week, but I hope that then never forget me and how much I love them. I feel as though I have been a terrible mother, selfish and out of my mind most of their young lives. I am so glad that my ex was able to stand as a rock for all of us even in his darkest days during our divorce. He really is a remarkable man and I hope that his perfect woman comes to love him and our sons, I just want him happy and taken care of, but I don't want a woman who wants to take my place as their mother, I would hope she would be like me with more of his values, but understanding like me.
I have spent time talking with Stephan....4 hours one night. The conversations are good, but I don't get the feeling that he is interested in being more than my friend, so I had to just back off a bit. I really like him and will be happy with his friendship. He bought me a book for my birthday and I am excited to read it. It is called "the name of the wind", not sure the author.
Kyle has kept in touch with me. He has really made an effort to get to know me. He came to my house a week ago and I made him my famous spicey Thai peanut chicken and we watched the movie --The Boondocks Saints---I really enjoyed it. I went to his families house this week and had a traditional Brazilian meal that his father made. I enjoyed it so much and had a great time just talking with him and his dad. I know he wants to have a relationship, but I am still have problems with the age thing, and the fact that I don't want to break his heart or be responsible for his virginity. I just ggggrrrrrr, I mean the concept is nice...he is great and gorgious, but I have enough problems of my own without pulling and innocent down with me. I guess that same thought sort of goes for Stephan as well. Kyle is a great kisser, soft lips and a velvet tongue, he enjoys pulling my erotic buttons....he gets this mischevious grin when I have to pull away, he is just pushing for me to cross my own lines. I know he is interested in my Dominant side, but I am scared that if I take control, I will push past both of our limits and I am just not ready yet. But when I lean on his shoulder he kisses my temple, he runs his fingers over my cheeks, he is a romantic deep inside even if he doesn't show anyone else and I like that about him.
I want to be with someone who understands me and it just doesn't seem like I can find it. I thought I did in my aquaintance, Dale....we had a great night together, talking and laughing and kissing, but he never called me again and so much for that. I don't need a guy like that in my life either.
I got word that my friend JTB is coming home, due to a minor physical injury and a huge emotional/mental injury to his pride. He was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress and Borderline Personality. Now I have worked with people with both...ie: My 2nd ex does have these things and look at what I deal with regarding him, but then again he lacks emotions and could be considered a sociopath in many ways. JTB is not like this, I have never seen him overly emotional, or at least no more than myself. WE are emotional people and we roll with it rather than bottle it. I feel terrible for him, and yet my selfish self is so happy to have him back. I will help him in any way that I can to reach his next goal. I think about us being roommates or something crazy in Minneapolis while he goes to school....like could really make a drastic change in the next year.
Alex continues to call, he tells me he is thinking of me, he pulls every heartstring I have. I told him about Dale and he said that he didn't want me to feel held down because of him, he wants me happy and all. But I talk to Alex about everything, I laugh, I cry, I get pissed and anwry. He just listens and then tells me how beautiful and unforgettable I am. Well he found me again after 6 years so that must mean something, he wouldn't call if he didn't want to. But is he calling for me or for the fact that 9 times out of 10 I end up cumming on the phone and he just knows the odds of his own pleasure if he leisurly listens to me. I want to believer that when he says he enjoys making me happy that it is true. OMG, I just want him for myself. I want him close, I want to feel him, smell him, kiss him. I want to know that he is real and not a figment of my hopeless romantic imagination. I want to believe that he is my dream come true and that fairtytales can happen. It is hard to be me, on one hand I absolutely believe what I just wrote and on the other I think it is sugary babble bullshit. I am the borderline peronality disorder......Domintnant/submissive, creative/analitycal, warm/cold, healer/destroyer, laugher/cryer......oh it goes on and on and I am always both.
Lord help me!
My ex C., well so much for starting over on Thanksgiving. He chose to fight with me about something I supposedly said....he wasn't really listening to me and he ranted about it for 6 hours. I felt awful, but I had to realize at that moment how much I have changed and how much he hasn't and how he truly does live for chaos, he creates the chaos in his life and when someone draws away he uses guilt and manipulation to pull them back in, he needs these people to blame for his problems or else he wouldn't get by. I sucked it up, I cried, I told him how much I loved him and then I gave him every submissive part of me. As he fisted me and I went out of my mind, I gave him the last bits of me he didn't have. It was a powerful experience that I didn't see clearly until the next day. When I awoke, having gone to bed with him upset because he had played with me and felt that I didn't hear his feelings(the previous 6 hours of our time together) I felt rejected for a moment, but I just went to sleep and tried to enjoy floating, but anyway...when I awoke I went to get the mail of mine from the deck and found a love letter from the other woman dated the day he and I had had so much fun in Fargo. I didn't let him I know I had seen it. I kissed him goodbye and left. I thought about it all the way home. He was once again playing with me and my heart and had no remorse what so ever. Then I realized that now that I had put all of myself submissively outside of my mind for once that I wasn't so scared to give it to someone who would appreciate it. I felt free, he doesn't own me or control me because of my fears anymore. When he called me a few days later needing money and help, I told him to ask his girlfriend and that I wanted the divorce finallized as my birthday gift. I love him, but this behavior turns me into a jealous person that I don't like or love and I refuse to be that person ever again and if that means letting him go be happy with her and letting myself go so that maybe I can find happiness then so be it. I still cry a lot when I am alone at night, but it is all part of the healing process.
I am getting along well with my ex, J. and I am excited to have my kids with me this coming weekend. I am so excited, I wish I had more money to spoil them a bit. I hate working hours in which I don't seem to be able to speak to them more than once a week, but I hope that then never forget me and how much I love them. I feel as though I have been a terrible mother, selfish and out of my mind most of their young lives. I am so glad that my ex was able to stand as a rock for all of us even in his darkest days during our divorce. He really is a remarkable man and I hope that his perfect woman comes to love him and our sons, I just want him happy and taken care of, but I don't want a woman who wants to take my place as their mother, I would hope she would be like me with more of his values, but understanding like me.
I have spent time talking with Stephan....4 hours one night. The conversations are good, but I don't get the feeling that he is interested in being more than my friend, so I had to just back off a bit. I really like him and will be happy with his friendship. He bought me a book for my birthday and I am excited to read it. It is called "the name of the wind", not sure the author.
Kyle has kept in touch with me. He has really made an effort to get to know me. He came to my house a week ago and I made him my famous spicey Thai peanut chicken and we watched the movie --The Boondocks Saints---I really enjoyed it. I went to his families house this week and had a traditional Brazilian meal that his father made. I enjoyed it so much and had a great time just talking with him and his dad. I know he wants to have a relationship, but I am still have problems with the age thing, and the fact that I don't want to break his heart or be responsible for his virginity. I just ggggrrrrrr, I mean the concept is nice...he is great and gorgious, but I have enough problems of my own without pulling and innocent down with me. I guess that same thought sort of goes for Stephan as well. Kyle is a great kisser, soft lips and a velvet tongue, he enjoys pulling my erotic buttons....he gets this mischevious grin when I have to pull away, he is just pushing for me to cross my own lines. I know he is interested in my Dominant side, but I am scared that if I take control, I will push past both of our limits and I am just not ready yet. But when I lean on his shoulder he kisses my temple, he runs his fingers over my cheeks, he is a romantic deep inside even if he doesn't show anyone else and I like that about him.
I want to be with someone who understands me and it just doesn't seem like I can find it. I thought I did in my aquaintance, Dale....we had a great night together, talking and laughing and kissing, but he never called me again and so much for that. I don't need a guy like that in my life either.
I got word that my friend JTB is coming home, due to a minor physical injury and a huge emotional/mental injury to his pride. He was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress and Borderline Personality. Now I have worked with people with both...ie: My 2nd ex does have these things and look at what I deal with regarding him, but then again he lacks emotions and could be considered a sociopath in many ways. JTB is not like this, I have never seen him overly emotional, or at least no more than myself. WE are emotional people and we roll with it rather than bottle it. I feel terrible for him, and yet my selfish self is so happy to have him back. I will help him in any way that I can to reach his next goal. I think about us being roommates or something crazy in Minneapolis while he goes to school....like could really make a drastic change in the next year.
Alex continues to call, he tells me he is thinking of me, he pulls every heartstring I have. I told him about Dale and he said that he didn't want me to feel held down because of him, he wants me happy and all. But I talk to Alex about everything, I laugh, I cry, I get pissed and anwry. He just listens and then tells me how beautiful and unforgettable I am. Well he found me again after 6 years so that must mean something, he wouldn't call if he didn't want to. But is he calling for me or for the fact that 9 times out of 10 I end up cumming on the phone and he just knows the odds of his own pleasure if he leisurly listens to me. I want to believer that when he says he enjoys making me happy that it is true. OMG, I just want him for myself. I want him close, I want to feel him, smell him, kiss him. I want to know that he is real and not a figment of my hopeless romantic imagination. I want to believe that he is my dream come true and that fairtytales can happen. It is hard to be me, on one hand I absolutely believe what I just wrote and on the other I think it is sugary babble bullshit. I am the borderline peronality disorder......Domintnant/submissive, creative/analitycal, warm/cold, healer/destroyer, laugher/cryer......oh it goes on and on and I am always both.
Lord help me!
Monday, November 23, 2009
I know I have changed, what about everything else?
I have found a semblence of peace in my time alone. I feel less lonely now than I did in a house with my ex. I don't get to snuggle or the affection I need now, but I didn't then either and at least now I have friends and can go do things as the finances allow, which is very little, but still enough. I drove to see my ex, C. after work on Thursday. We had talked all week about reconciling and our conversations were wonderful! We quoted scripture, talked about life and how we were going to make it work. I was excited to see him again after so much time. We talked on the phone almost my entire drive. When I arrived he was happy and a bit affectionate. It was nice. I was tired and thought that I would arrive and just snuggle together so that we could get up the next morning for church. He began kissing my neck and telling me how beautiful I am and I started to mentally melt. I put on some lingerie and climbed into bed. Now, we have discussed us both being switches and the fact that he is either masculine and Dom or feminine and sub., I had really wanted to feel the love and affection of a Dom, but I also wanted to feel like I had power as a Dom myself. Kelsey emerged and put on a pink satin nightie that I had bought her. I loved kissing and caressing her, I was slow and meticulous, I enjoyed every moment, every sound she made and it was the most surreal fisting I had ever given, the slow pressure that sent her over the edge over and over, just enough until she exploded, it was a Dominant dream of mine come true. I ran my fingers through her hair as she fell asleep on my chest. I loved snuggling and feeling my Beloved breathing and resting so clost to me once again.
I awoke 2 hours later to the alarm I had set. It took a lot to get my Beloved up and moving, I had to help him get dressed. I knew he was ill, but our plan was to attend church breakfast and I wasn't about to miss it, with or without him. We did get to breakfast and I had a great time having coffee with Pastor and praying together, I really felt good about us for that moment. The original plan was that on Friday he was going to take care of me and show me what a good Daddy he could be to my sub little girl. I was really excited to be taken care of! He also said that he would fix the u-joints in my truck before I left the next day. After church, he decided that it would be a good idea to run to Fargo with his friend, as he needed to pick up a few things, groceries, etc. I just agreed, not trying to show any disappointment. I sat in the back of the truck and read the entire ride to Fargo.
While in Fargo, I just enjoyed my time with him. I laughed and joked. He was more affectionate in public and that was nice. I think we had one of best days together ever. I was tired and I refrained from being bitchy or sad by not playing. It was really good. When we got back it was late and he stayed out in the cold to fix my u-joints so they would be done by morning. I am so appreciative, and I have to realize that he took care of my needs and my safety before my sexual desires and I have to be greatful. I really wish he would have played with me, I even bought some Nuks at Walmart because I was excited to be his baby for once without fighting it. I wanted to feel loved and adored and cherished, physically, sexually....but instead he showed me in the way he does best, by making sure I am taken care of in my everyday needs. I do love him, so much! Though I still really want to be played with and to experience this with him.
We plan to spend Thanksgiving together. I hope that all goes well. I will probably have my period then, so once again it will be no play for me, which sucks because really I feel like I never get played with. I hope that aspect of our life changes for the better. Also, I know that I will not move back to that town or that house with him, so I am not sure how we plan to have any real type of relationship beyond play, and beings I am not there, I don't know if I can trust the other women he allows in his life, as I know he hasn't told me everything about our time apart and I am sure he was with K. again. I don't really care, but I don't want it to continue. I won't be in that position again, not ever!
I haven't really heard from him now in a few days, he is sick and says he is sleeping alot, which I understand, but I just want to know that we are either moving forward or we are not.
A. called me the other night, an international bootie call, as he had been at a wine festival and was a bit drunk and wanted to call and tell me all the wild things he would love to do with me. It was so flattering! He called me again this morning to check on me, and tell me that our lives would be crazy if we lived closer together. I know it would, our sexual energy surges just in phone conversation so I am sure there would be blue lightning and such if we ever touched....ha ha. I think I have been reading too many steamy Christine Feehan novels...I am half way through the Dark series and I just can't stop. It makes me dream of the ideal romance! Oh A., he just makes me smile from ear to ear.
I called Stephan the other day and we talked for almost an hour. He intrigues me because he is such a great guy and yet he is alone, and sad that he is lonely. I am not sure why he doesn't break out and find someone, but all in due time. I love talking to him, he makes me laugh.
I need to keep writing to JTB, I should be getting his address this week and I need to start sending him letters on a very regular basis. I miss him!
I am getting over a sinus infection which sucks, but I am kind of glad I got it because it has made me slow down a bit and I need that sometimes.
WEll I know I have changed, so much about me has, I hope this road less traveled by me leads me to the great gifts that God has for me in life!
I awoke 2 hours later to the alarm I had set. It took a lot to get my Beloved up and moving, I had to help him get dressed. I knew he was ill, but our plan was to attend church breakfast and I wasn't about to miss it, with or without him. We did get to breakfast and I had a great time having coffee with Pastor and praying together, I really felt good about us for that moment. The original plan was that on Friday he was going to take care of me and show me what a good Daddy he could be to my sub little girl. I was really excited to be taken care of! He also said that he would fix the u-joints in my truck before I left the next day. After church, he decided that it would be a good idea to run to Fargo with his friend, as he needed to pick up a few things, groceries, etc. I just agreed, not trying to show any disappointment. I sat in the back of the truck and read the entire ride to Fargo.
While in Fargo, I just enjoyed my time with him. I laughed and joked. He was more affectionate in public and that was nice. I think we had one of best days together ever. I was tired and I refrained from being bitchy or sad by not playing. It was really good. When we got back it was late and he stayed out in the cold to fix my u-joints so they would be done by morning. I am so appreciative, and I have to realize that he took care of my needs and my safety before my sexual desires and I have to be greatful. I really wish he would have played with me, I even bought some Nuks at Walmart because I was excited to be his baby for once without fighting it. I wanted to feel loved and adored and cherished, physically, sexually....but instead he showed me in the way he does best, by making sure I am taken care of in my everyday needs. I do love him, so much! Though I still really want to be played with and to experience this with him.
We plan to spend Thanksgiving together. I hope that all goes well. I will probably have my period then, so once again it will be no play for me, which sucks because really I feel like I never get played with. I hope that aspect of our life changes for the better. Also, I know that I will not move back to that town or that house with him, so I am not sure how we plan to have any real type of relationship beyond play, and beings I am not there, I don't know if I can trust the other women he allows in his life, as I know he hasn't told me everything about our time apart and I am sure he was with K. again. I don't really care, but I don't want it to continue. I won't be in that position again, not ever!
I haven't really heard from him now in a few days, he is sick and says he is sleeping alot, which I understand, but I just want to know that we are either moving forward or we are not.
A. called me the other night, an international bootie call, as he had been at a wine festival and was a bit drunk and wanted to call and tell me all the wild things he would love to do with me. It was so flattering! He called me again this morning to check on me, and tell me that our lives would be crazy if we lived closer together. I know it would, our sexual energy surges just in phone conversation so I am sure there would be blue lightning and such if we ever touched....ha ha. I think I have been reading too many steamy Christine Feehan novels...I am half way through the Dark series and I just can't stop. It makes me dream of the ideal romance! Oh A., he just makes me smile from ear to ear.
I called Stephan the other day and we talked for almost an hour. He intrigues me because he is such a great guy and yet he is alone, and sad that he is lonely. I am not sure why he doesn't break out and find someone, but all in due time. I love talking to him, he makes me laugh.
I need to keep writing to JTB, I should be getting his address this week and I need to start sending him letters on a very regular basis. I miss him!
I am getting over a sinus infection which sucks, but I am kind of glad I got it because it has made me slow down a bit and I need that sometimes.
WEll I know I have changed, so much about me has, I hope this road less traveled by me leads me to the great gifts that God has for me in life!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Somewhere between belief and disbelief
I found myself quoting scripture and reading the Bible over the phone with my 2nd ex, C., at 2 this morning. We had a great conversation, we are fighting or bickering at all. We seem to have an unknown calm and understanding, even when I am not pleased I am not fighting but showing my true emotions and for the first time he seems to be receptive and humbled by my intensity. He has been encouraging, helping me to believe and have faith that we can do this and that it will not be like the last times we have tried. I look so forward to our breakfast at the church tomorrow morning, but when I called him today he said that he was not feeling well at all. I am worried that he is going to cancel on me and even though he may be ill, I feel those old feelings of rejection trying to choke me off. I told him that if we were even going to try this again, we were starting with a blessing from my Pastor so if that is not the case, then I don't know if I can go on. I put my ring back on today after a month without it, it felt heavy, it weighted down the freedom I had found, or was it locking my heart reminding me of the warmth and weight of an embrace, like a collar reminds a submissive of their safe and rightful place. I am not sure yet, but only time will tell. I do hope that things go well tomorrow, but I have to believe in myself.
I got a message from someone I have only met once today, saying I was the smartest person she has met...it was posted on facebook for fun, but that little surge of confidence went a long way for me today and I need to make an effort to tell her that if I see her again.
I am so open with my "switchiness" I am hiding nothing of my strengths or weaknesses, Dominant or submissive tendancies from anyone. I am opening myself up to everyone, people who have never seen my cry now have and those who have only seen me in dispair have seen strength. I am going through an evolution like I had never truly imagined.
Also, of course...beings I am meeting with my ex tomorrow and I decided to put on my ring this morning...who would call after a few weeks...A. (my dream) he is ill and just wanted to make sure I was doing okay because he misses me. Does he, or is it an illusion...I talk to him about it and have cried to him, he always encourages me that we have a connection, he likes me and talking to me, he always says that he is mine. But would we ever have a real relationship that isn't just friendly chat, debate and phone sex? I really don't know, but I don't want to lose that affection either....bullocks!!!
I miss JTB, I know he is in boot camp and I will get his address next week, but really this blog is to just blurt out my life the way I could to him over coffee, a comic book, or a rendition of Wicked, Glee or anything else musical. God I miss him like I have never missed a friend, maybe it is because I have always been the one to leave, to adventure and this time I was left waiting for someone. Now I know how it feels and I am so greatful for the experiences and people I have met along this journey of life.
I hope that my evolution brings me to great things!
Blessings!
CNH
I got a message from someone I have only met once today, saying I was the smartest person she has met...it was posted on facebook for fun, but that little surge of confidence went a long way for me today and I need to make an effort to tell her that if I see her again.
I am so open with my "switchiness" I am hiding nothing of my strengths or weaknesses, Dominant or submissive tendancies from anyone. I am opening myself up to everyone, people who have never seen my cry now have and those who have only seen me in dispair have seen strength. I am going through an evolution like I had never truly imagined.
Also, of course...beings I am meeting with my ex tomorrow and I decided to put on my ring this morning...who would call after a few weeks...A. (my dream) he is ill and just wanted to make sure I was doing okay because he misses me. Does he, or is it an illusion...I talk to him about it and have cried to him, he always encourages me that we have a connection, he likes me and talking to me, he always says that he is mine. But would we ever have a real relationship that isn't just friendly chat, debate and phone sex? I really don't know, but I don't want to lose that affection either....bullocks!!!
I miss JTB, I know he is in boot camp and I will get his address next week, but really this blog is to just blurt out my life the way I could to him over coffee, a comic book, or a rendition of Wicked, Glee or anything else musical. God I miss him like I have never missed a friend, maybe it is because I have always been the one to leave, to adventure and this time I was left waiting for someone. Now I know how it feels and I am so greatful for the experiences and people I have met along this journey of life.
I hope that my evolution brings me to great things!
Blessings!
CNH
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
My Knight, my muse
A. is the fantasy beyond the phone. His words, thoughts, mind, his voice---they tell my sould that my other half is out there. ( I wrote so many of my early blogs...erotic poetry based on the feelings I had after speaking with him.) I could be loved, cherished and independant all at once. My passion could be reciprocated fully. But it is all fantasy as the 2000 miles and border of countries and so much like our touch and smell elude us. But when he speaks french, I melt into liquid heat. His voice alone make me burn. When he says he needs me, wants me happy, wants all of me to be his ALWAYS....my mind, heart, body and sould cry out with dreams that it was true. He tells me that we have a connection that is insermoutable, that reality and fantasy cross over in our case....even if it doesn't the fantasy is amazing. A. is my personal romance novel hunk/hero. I feel out of his league and vulnerable and yet more myself and alive with passion when I speak with him. I beg for him openly and hide little of myself from him. He makes my emotions surge.
I read the "Lost Girls" by Alan Moore on his advisement and actually bought myself a hard bound edition as I enjoyed the erotics tales so much. I am happy I have found him and others to help me in my journey. Expressing myself without hinderence could enhance my marriage or at least future relationships.
S. is my good Christian friend, 29 yr. old virgin, snowflake white to the point that I feel talking with him probably stains his soul. He is old world charm and chivalry, intelligent and most of all strictly moral. I love that he doesn't waver, he is a rock when I am a raging storm. I have found true people that open up my life and make me look at what I truly value in myself, others and life as a whole.
Though times are hard at times, I am luck to breath each day!
CNH
I read the "Lost Girls" by Alan Moore on his advisement and actually bought myself a hard bound edition as I enjoyed the erotics tales so much. I am happy I have found him and others to help me in my journey. Expressing myself without hinderence could enhance my marriage or at least future relationships.
S. is my good Christian friend, 29 yr. old virgin, snowflake white to the point that I feel talking with him probably stains his soul. He is old world charm and chivalry, intelligent and most of all strictly moral. I love that he doesn't waver, he is a rock when I am a raging storm. I have found true people that open up my life and make me look at what I truly value in myself, others and life as a whole.
Though times are hard at times, I am luck to breath each day!
CNH
The Ring
Your mark on me is etched around my finger, wher I used to wear your ring
Reminding me of better times and all my shattered dreams
That empty depression resembles my heart, my soul, my hope
I don't know if you will ever know how hard it is to let you go
I love you so and hate to see your pain
I will always be here, but the distance must remain
For my internal possession of you will never truly be disengaged
I hope you find the happiness you seek without me.
**I wrote this the day I took my ring off and put it in a box on my dresser, the day I told him I wouldn't hurt him again, as saying goodbye would be the last heartache for us both. I tried to move on and let him go. Now he is back, a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, I am not sure. I prayer answered or a sick joke, I guess I will step lightly into the pool again and see if I sing or swim.
Reminding me of better times and all my shattered dreams
That empty depression resembles my heart, my soul, my hope
I don't know if you will ever know how hard it is to let you go
I love you so and hate to see your pain
I will always be here, but the distance must remain
For my internal possession of you will never truly be disengaged
I hope you find the happiness you seek without me.
**I wrote this the day I took my ring off and put it in a box on my dresser, the day I told him I wouldn't hurt him again, as saying goodbye would be the last heartache for us both. I tried to move on and let him go. Now he is back, a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, I am not sure. I prayer answered or a sick joke, I guess I will step lightly into the pool again and see if I sing or swim.
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