I know I have changed, what about everything else?

I have found a semblence of peace in my time alone. I feel less lonely now than I did in a house with my ex. I don't get to snuggle or the affection I need now, but I didn't then either and at least now I have friends and can go do things as the finances allow, which is very little, but still enough. I drove to see my ex, C. after work on Thursday. We had talked all week about reconciling and our conversations were wonderful! We quoted scripture, talked about life and how we were going to make it work. I was excited to see him again after so much time. We talked on the phone almost my entire drive. When I arrived he was happy and a bit affectionate. It was nice. I was tired and thought that I would arrive and just snuggle together so that we could get up the next morning for church. He began kissing my neck and telling me how beautiful I am and I started to mentally melt. I put on some lingerie and climbed into bed. Now, we have discussed us both being switches and the fact that he is either masculine and Dom or feminine and sub., I had really wanted to feel the love and affection of a Dom, but I also wanted to feel like I had power as a Dom myself. Kelsey emerged and put on a pink satin nightie that I had bought her. I loved kissing and caressing her, I was slow and meticulous, I enjoyed every moment, every sound she made and it was the most surreal fisting I had ever given, the slow pressure that sent her over the edge over and over, just enough until she exploded, it was a Dominant dream of mine come true. I ran my fingers through her hair as she fell asleep on my chest. I loved snuggling and feeling my Beloved breathing and resting so clost to me once again.

I awoke 2 hours later to the alarm I had set. It took a lot to get my Beloved up and moving, I had to help him get dressed. I knew he was ill, but our plan was to attend church breakfast and I wasn't about to miss it, with or without him. We did get to breakfast and I had a great time having coffee with Pastor and praying together, I really felt good about us for that moment. The original plan was that on Friday he was going to take care of me and show me what a good Daddy he could be to my sub little girl. I was really excited to be taken care of! He also said that he would fix the u-joints in my truck before I left the next day. After church, he decided that it would be a good idea to run to Fargo with his friend, as he needed to pick up a few things, groceries, etc. I just agreed, not trying to show any disappointment. I sat in the back of the truck and read the entire ride to Fargo.

While in Fargo, I just enjoyed my time with him. I laughed and joked. He was more affectionate in public and that was nice. I think we had one of best days together ever. I was tired and I refrained from being bitchy or sad by not playing. It was really good. When we got back it was late and he stayed out in the cold to fix my u-joints so they would be done by morning. I am so appreciative, and I have to realize that he took care of my needs and my safety before my sexual desires and I have to be greatful. I really wish he would have played with me, I even bought some Nuks at Walmart because I was excited to be his baby for once without fighting it. I wanted to feel loved and adored and cherished, physically, sexually....but instead he showed me in the way he does best, by making sure I am taken care of in my everyday needs. I do love him, so much! Though I still really want to be played with and to experience this with him.

We plan to spend Thanksgiving together. I hope that all goes well. I will probably have my period then, so once again it will be no play for me, which sucks because really I feel like I never get played with. I hope that aspect of our life changes for the better. Also, I know that I will not move back to that town or that house with him, so I am not sure how we plan to have any real type of relationship beyond play, and beings I am not there, I don't know if I can trust the other women he allows in his life, as I know he hasn't told me everything about our time apart and I am sure he was with K. again. I don't really care, but I don't want it to continue. I won't be in that position again, not ever!

I haven't really heard from him now in a few days, he is sick and says he is sleeping alot, which I understand, but I just want to know that we are either moving forward or we are not.

A. called me the other night, an international bootie call, as he had been at a wine festival and was a bit drunk and wanted to call and tell me all the wild things he would love to do with me. It was so flattering! He called me again this morning to check on me, and tell me that our lives would be crazy if we lived closer together. I know it would, our sexual energy surges just in phone conversation so I am sure there would be blue lightning and such if we ever touched....ha ha. I think I have been reading too many steamy Christine Feehan novels...I am half way through the Dark series and I just can't stop. It makes me dream of the ideal romance! Oh A., he just makes me smile from ear to ear.

I called Stephan the other day and we talked for almost an hour. He intrigues me because he is such a great guy and yet he is alone, and sad that he is lonely. I am not sure why he doesn't break out and find someone, but all in due time. I love talking to him, he makes me laugh.

I need to keep writing to JTB, I should be getting his address this week and I need to start sending him letters on a very regular basis. I miss him!

I am getting over a sinus infection which sucks, but I am kind of glad I got it because it has made me slow down a bit and I need that sometimes.

WEll I know I have changed, so much about me has, I hope this road less traveled by me leads me to the great gifts that God has for me in life!