Reasons, Seasons and Lifetimes...

J.T.B., my new best friend. Gay, excentric, intelligent, loves to dance and an author. He helped me realize that the decade of my 20's was me finding and developing myself, my "brand". Regardless of relationships, I am not going to change too drastically at this point unless I really want to and make a conscious effort. I am me and I am pretty perfect at being me; intelligent, funny, sarcastic, warm, compassionate, passionate, sensual, magnetic, charming.....the list goes on. I also realize that I have compromised myself and my happiness repeatedly for the affection and happiness of others and I need to stand firm in who I am whether I am liked or not. I am really happy on my own, meeting people and doing my own thing. I miss companionship and close intimacy, but I have new friends, new ideas, new conversations. I love life. I want to be closer to my kids, I want a committed relationship, I want to have a more pleasing career and more money...financial times are tough, but I will get by and don't need a relationship to do it.

J.T.B. left for Navy Boot Camp yesterday. After what I realized about my ex-best friend--in 3 years we are still similar, but it isn't the same. I worry that will happen with JT and I. I want our relationship to be a lifetime of friendship, not just a season, but only time will tell. I will write to him and wish for the best. I also wonder if all the wonderful people I met because of him will fade from my life again because he is the glue that held us all together. I hope that isn't the case and I must make a conscious effort to not let it be so.

My 2nd husband, C. wants to reconcile (again), he has a plan that could be workable. He has been so wonderful lately, I worry about the it is too good to be true thing, but after all I have learned in our 7 month separation, I can do it without him and I don't have to compromise myself. I will hear him out and see what happens and be happy in whatever road I go down. We have to love eachother enough to forgive and forget the past. No more bringing it into conversation for either of us. We don't ask about our 7 months apart unless we can get over it and never use it against the other. He said he doesn't want to know because if it wasn't what he wanted to hear he knows he would hold onto it even if only subconsciously, but either way it wouldn't be good for our new start. That is a smart decision on his part and a show that he is changing. I agree with him, my mind can be worse than anything that happened, even if he was with her or someone else he wants me forever so what does it matter. He couldn't have done anything worse than me, especially when I just said I would let him go and move on. I mean I quit wearing my ring, I went on dates, but if I hadn't I wouldn't be strong and me, independent, loving my freedom and alone time. I love my spontaneous, adventurous, social butterfly nature.

Now I think I can forgive him, I am sure I can forget the past as long as it doesn't keep slapping me in the face. I can do as the Bible says and forgive others involved and let the Lord take care of my justice, but it doesn't say that I any longer have to associate with those people. I can't handle K. or T.J. in our life anymore if we are going forward. I know he says not to worry, to figure out the rest of our relationship and everything else will fall into place or fall away. I am glad that we have both found God, I know he is stronger than me it seems in his resolve right now. I want to believe him and believe in God, so blind faith here we go! I just know that I am done trying with certain people and being stabbed in the back. No matter how much we work on us, I can't handle the constant outside negativity from them...they do the devil's work in trying to tear us apart. I am going to seek his advice on this.

We have made a date at C.O.C. on Friday morning for breakfast, to get God's blessing in reconciling. Our conversations have been wonderful and we aren't fighting or getting heated, we seem to understand eachother more now. I am so excited to start again, I hope that we can find a way to make it.

CNH